Try...

as hard as you can...
as diligently as you can...
as full-of-efforts as you can...

BUT

at the end of the day,

only ONE question matters:
only ONE indicator prevails:
only ONE final-moment-of-truth remains:

---what were the results?

(and the process is forgotten, the journey faded,
for people only see the end, the destination landed
because
vitality lies wherein something is achieved or lost
-the ultimate milestone to measure
if your try had been worthwhile
or really just some piece of worthless treasure-

and I become one
amongst those who defy
this tradition
for I believe
that
the ongoing process is no less valuable than the end-result
and the journey taken is as priceless as the destination arrived

I go against the flow
and stand tall with my faith unshaken
and hope that I am not mistaken
-pray-
that my pain has not been
totally in vain.

so, wonder no more on my stories
you will only hear what you wish to hear, and trust what your heart has been taught to trust

thus,
i will not ask you to listen.

let me be
by
my way.)

C-c-c-cOOL

Ko nie memang peliklah, manusia!

You act so indifferent towards him and yet you say you suffer because of him. You are such an indecisive and selfish bitch!

How could you say all those things that you did, after all that happened (and not), and then just pretend like it's none of your business and turn your face away? It's very cruel of you.

Nampak gayanya begitulah... I am myself quite surprised by my own responses (or even reactions) when I bump into him once in a while. It's as if I never ever had any kinds of feelings for him, as if I never fell hard in love... as if we were ONLY friends (to me and in my mind too)...

Maybe that's just my way of dealing with things - my emotions and all, my unique way of handling myself. It is a delicate situation for me, so the best way to protect me from getting hurt again is to act as if nothing ever happened.

And it works.

I don't know for how long but I'm okay with this arrangement for now.

Let Allah reveal further or otherwise.....

Honestly, I don't really care anymore.

I DON'T WANT TO CARE.

I'm cool.

I'm just cool with it.

Even if I search diligently for him when he's not around...

Even if I treat him apathetically when ever I see him.

Even if I always contradict myself in thoughts, emotions and actions when he's around (or not!).

Seriously?

I'm cool.

So, You Want to be A Writer, Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

[thank you, Paige, for posting this for me on December 4, 2009 8:30 AM... i really needed (and will always need) this to remind of myself the beauty of writing... Insya-Allah, i'll work very hard (and very relaxedly) to write honestly and just be myself... AKU SUKA SANGAT PUISI NIE!!!! KALAU kau ada sebarang permintaan khas, cakaplah... aku akan cuba tunaikan mengikut kemampuan... it's just MY way of saying THANKS.]

Happy

How do you measure your happiness?

I guess I can never say I know how to measure mine - I thought I knew... and it was so clear before....

But now....?

Happiness is not as clear-cut as it once seemed.

Perhaps it never was. But somehow, only pain can teach you this.

It's when you have been hurt the most, then only you can ever know how or even what it really feels like.

And yes, it sucks.



Happy - Leona Lewis

(from the 2009 album "Echo")

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything

Don't you take chances
You might feel the pain (more...)
Don't you love in vain
'cause love won't set you free

I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I'm just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
just can't let go
just trying to play my role
slowly disappear

But all these days
They feel like they're the same
Just different faces
different place
Get me out of here

I can't stand by the side
Ooh, no
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
my feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
I'm just trying to be happy

Oh, happy
Oh

So any turns that I cant see
I'll count a stranger on this road
But dont say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy
Happy
I just wanna be
Oh
I just wanna be
Happy (less)

~Invisible Tears~

I just want to cry right now - I mean, really cry my heart out and let out everything that I'm feeling at this moment.

It's weird actually, but there are times in my life that I just feel like crying, and really weep - but for no apparent reasons.

It's not like I'm in some kind of trouble or what ever. But this odd feeling or sensation of "being emotional" would always hit me once in a blue moon.

It becomes a type of emotional release that would somehow make me feel more at ease later on with myself....

And so, when this tide of feelings gushes my tears out, I somehow feel better - somehow healed, in a semi-spiritual sense .

Like when rainbows bring the sunshine after the storm...

But until that time comes, the invisible tears that I keep in my heart
will keep flooding the dam of my soul.

That's why I need to open the dam's doors.

But where can I find the doors? To my heart?

Sejujur mana-kah Pujian-mu?

Saat engkau tuturkan
kata-kata manis berbaur harum
tentang kelebihan-kelebihan
yang engkau panggil sebagai keistimewaan-ku,

di hadapan ku

FIKIRKANLAH....
DALAMILAH...
SELAMILAH...
hati dan jiwa mu

dan cubalah engkau berikan aku jawapan-mu yang paling ikhlas:

"Sejujur mana-kah Pujian-mu?"

benarkah ia jujur dan penuh tulus
atau hanya lah topengan-topengan palsu
yang engkau pakaikan di wajah dan kejadian-mu
demi untuk melihat ku leka
lantas terus di belakang ku
kau sambungi pula
dengan caci dan keji

kata-kata nista.

Senja usia amat samar waktunya

Dalam kesamaran waktu, aku masih setia lagi menunggu. Janji tetap janji, walaupun hakikatnya janji boleh dimungkiri.

Dan dalam kesamaran waktu ini juga, aku tertanya-tanya akan nasib diriku sendiri - masihkah punya ruang untuk aku langkaui keterbatasan dan kelemahan diri untuk mencari sesuatu yang lebih hakiki, yang lebih abadi?

Hanya Tuhan yang Maha Esa sahaja yang kekal azali.

Sedangkan insan masih terkapai-kapai mencari identiti diri...

Akhirnya, dalam ruang masa berbaki yang sangat sempit ini, aku ulangi JANJIku kepada diri sendiri (entah untuk yang ke-berapa kali) - dan tekad serta istiqamahku akan kugagahi menunaikan apa yang telah aku lafazkan di depan Tuhan Yang Maha Mengasihani.

Biarlah aku rela dan redha menjadi manusia yang dianiayai dan teraniaya, daripada tanganku menganiaya saudaraku sendiri.

In silence again, I shall nurse the wounds of my heart so that my soul will not be in pain anymore - and so that the only pain that I'll ever cherish is the hurt one feels for the pain of love towards Allah. Amin...

Sebesar-besar pengorbanan yang pernah aku lakukan, pasti ada insan lain yang pernah melakukan pengorbanan yang lebih besar.

"My Too Perfect Sons"...

... is the title of a Korean drama series aired on KBS World channel at Astro 303, some time back.

It was not the best drama ever, no, but I was deeply touched by the simplicity and honesty of the story - how an average, working-class family deals with the blessings and challenges of the daily routines, life, love, relationships and values...

It had been a while since I last got hooked on a Korean/Japan-based drama series aired on TV. I just didn't have enough time, especially since started working... Stuck in the office until late at night, no drama was being aired at the wee hours of the night-morning. Thank God for Astro, I guess...?

Anyway, "My Too Perfect Sons" was so compelling to me personally because of the connection I feel with the characters portrayed in the drama... It was like watching bits and pieces of me illustrated so accurately and realistically on the show which was supposed to be fictional... Odd, isn't it?

The story was so "real", it felt "surreal" to me... Here I am in Malaysia and there they were in Korea, yet the similarities are abundant - almost like we are living very similar lives... I guess the world is more globalised than I thought.... Huh! Like I care, though!

But, what attracted me to the drama most was the truthful, sincere and honest portrayal of relationships and the feelings / emotions associated with them - the mother-son relationship, father-son connection, husband-wife communication, girlfriend-boyfriend confusion, friend-friend dealings, siblings rivalry, et cetera, et cetera.....

Nothing really mattered much in those intertwinements, except for the fact that there are always two sides to a coin. Differences make up for similarities where similarities and differences complement each other.

I was so touched with the issues raised in the drama and how they were so very dear and close to me - it was like watching my life stories being depicted on screen...

I think, no matter what happens in our life, we must understand and practise some kind of balance and justice.

To err is human, but there is always a silver lining in every cloud - black, grey or white as it is.

Choose to be happy, and happiness will choose and find you.

why do i like to sleep so much?

In life, we hurt most the people that we love most;

and vice versa, we are hurt most by the people that we love most.

Inilah lumrah kehidupan.

Sometimes, I think, pain is the measurement of love...

and although sleep only brings temporary reprieve, any kinds of relief is better than to face the harsh punishment of reality immediately.

Or at least this is what I believe...

So, do you still wonder why I love sleeping so much?

Sejauh manakah anda akan mencuba?




(this song is especially dedicated to those who have touched me more than they know and yet treat me just so indifferently most of the times.... to those who I've treated that way, I'm sorry, I know how hurtful it is...)

hari ini dalam sejarah: catatan aku sebagai "manusia biasa"

ya, hari nie aku cuma nak jadi seorang "manusia biasa" yang banyak buat salah dan silap dlm hidup. bukanlah maknanya aku ni selama nih 'luar biasa' (itu sgt mustahil sbb aku memang sgt "average" dan "common" di kalangan org2 kebanyakan, malah di kalangan org kesikitan pun), cuma hari ni aku nk lupakan semua peraturan tatabahasa dan ejaan yg sgt gah yg aku cuba pertahankan dlm beberapa blog yg lepas (brapa byk "yg" daa...).

hari nie, aku nk menulis sebagai seorg manusia yg cuma mahu bercerita ttg hidupnya - yg mahu cuba luahkan perasaan x puas hati ker atau prasaan suka ker atau apa2 jer lah prasaan sbb kalo x luahkan prasaan, xkan nk luahkan perah-santan plak kan... HAHAHAHAHA (sendiri buat lawak bodo, sendiri gelak... apa punya org lah...)...

ntah hapa2 btul aku nie... no wonder people say i'm so unpredictable, moody dan gila... huh... mcm lah dlm dunia ni ada manusia yg x gila... gila duit itu gila. gila harta itu pun gila. pastu ada plak gila cinta, gila seks, gila pangkat, gila darjat, gila reta org, gila sempadan, gila raih undi, gila mengundi, gila laki/bini org, gila babi... and even GILA POYO!

(nasiblah... padan muka sapa2 yg baca post nih... ntah hapa yg aku mengarut pun aku x tau)

coz today, i'm juz letting myself loose... not so loose but loose enough to tell you guys that i think i had another sesi perasantan tadi... you know, "syok sendiri". tp bukan psl aku syok dkt org atau org syok kat aku (betapa malangnya nasib aku x mahu pegi syok dkt org pastu ngorat dia... isyk, isyk... malang2) - psl sorg colleague aku yg dh kawin tp mcm nk xtra baik dgn aku plak... yelah, mmglah aku agak baik dgn dia mula2 sbb kesian n dia pun bru tukar jabatan... tp ni skrg nih, aku dh kena "guna" dgn dia byk kali smpi dh naik menyampah n lgsung x suka nk baik2 dgn dia lg.. colleague aku yg sorg lg plak mmg x suka dgn mamat tu trus drp awal, aku ni kira budi-bicara lah sket.. aku x kira lah kalo org nk kata aku prasan lebih2 plak tp aku mmg x suka dah dia baik dgn aku skrg...

yelah, korg pikir sendiri... td ada jamuan raya kat jabatan lain, kitorg dijemput dan kitorg pun pegilah (makan free kan, sapa x nk...)... kitorg pegi berdua, alih2 jumpa mamat nih kat jamuan tue - kira dia nih mmg smpi awal gak lah (dlm kalut kitorg buat keja, smpt plak dia g jamuan tue awal. camanalah x bengang?!)... dia tegur aku n tanya kalo aku nk air - ada ker patut? aku paham kalo dia nk b'basa-basi jer.. kwn aku yg sorg lg tu pun x nmpk isu nya... tp aku x suka bila dia cuma tegur aku n x tegur kwn aku. kalo dh dlm satu jabatan, tegurlah dua2 org kan... (DAN DI SAAT INILAH SAYA MENGAKU YG SAYA AGAK PARANOID)...

pastu, ada sekali sblm tu, dia tegur perfume aku masa tgh b'diri blkg aku... w/pun aku slalu g b'gossip n bitching dgn dia, itu x bagi dia privilege to make me feel like my personal space has been disturbed... tp agaknya mmg mcm ni keja ptd nih kot... kena sosial, mudah mesra dgn org, brulah org nk baik dgn kita... kalo yg pompuan tue, kena gedik2 sket, bru sesuai... HEIH! X KUASA AKU!

sekali pandang, org mesti kata aku nmpk ayu (bukan ayu "cantik" tue, tp ayu "baik", kononnya...)... but there's nothing sweet about me, bebeh! i'm an ice queen, and i like it that way.

sbenarnya, aku pun x paham napa aku nk citer psl nih padahal aku bleh jer citer psl kebengangan aku dgn bos aku atau mak aku atau adik2 aku... atau mungkin citer psl 2 ekor kucing adik aku yg sebenarnya SGT COMEL tp menyakitkn hati sbb perangai nyer mcm tuan dia (Adik aku lah tue!)... atau apa2 je lah...

why this story? KENAPA?

maybe because it's so trivial that it can't be a significant part of my life but i have learned much from these few experiences. u see, i have never ever been in a romantic relationship wit the opposite gender (hell, i dont even have that too many friendships wit them either!)... x pernah couple atau diajak b'couple, x pandai b'kwn dgn laki lah kesimpulannya... tp pengalamn2 yg sikit yg aku ada psl laki byk bantu keputusan aku dlm sebrg perhubungan sesama atau berlwnan jantina.

hai.... pelik btul manusia nih kan?

and, yes, I'm a freak. ^_^

~ TribUtE to Paige ~

Kerana kamu, aku coretkan kata-kata itu di sini, biar semua tahu dan mungkin kita boleh saling berkongsi? (tapi ada sikit penambahan di bawah ^_^ )

"Aku dah bekerja.

Aku boleh drive.

Tapi aku masih di sini - tinggal dengan mak aku sendiri.

Apa nilai kedewasaan kau?"

Life is just a Wheel...

It goes round and round and round and round and round.... without ever stopping at any times under any circumstances - and certainly not for anyone at all.

It was during Ramadhan this year that I realised how painfully true this mocking of the Life's usual monotonous routines are. It was like watching the same old movie over and over and over again, and you get tired of it but you can never really let it go - you can't really stop watching it just like that.

When I went to my school reunion-cum-buka-puasa this year for the second time, it was suddenly very clear to me that I had experienced pretty much the same things over the past year as I had in the year before. And it was very devastating to come to such knowledge and be caught unaware.

It made me realised how little I had progressed and developed as a person - how my miserable life is not really as miserable if I had only strived to become merrier and thus much happier.

It is quite sick actually, you know, to have to bear the truth that you are still stuck at that same spot in your life where you have not been able to escape. I was not exactly wrong to say and believe that "time will (and could) heal all wounds", but, boy, even when time flies so quickly, you just want to heal faster! And definitely, I want to achieve a higher level of living in this one year's period of time.

Rotating around the past cannot be an option.

But, why, oh, why is there still a hollowness inside?

Ain't Life tiring?

Sometimes, life just bores me... It tires me in ways that I never thought were possible, but somehow I was trapped in them.

Do I still need an invitation to Life? Should I even ask to be invited? Humph... I guess that we just need to let it be.

But then again, invited or not, you find yourself entangled in the webs of Life's confusing, tiring and boring ways - and there is no other way out but to outlive the situation itself.

GOOD LUCK!

May the force of self-determination and persistance be with you!

...

And the children look up to me and say ---

"Adults are weird people. Why do they hate each other just because they look dissimilar?

Aren't all people only humans?

Why can't we play with each other as we please?"

I closed my eyes and stayed quiet.

[Silence] becomes a remedy to heal all wounds.

"Mengapa masih di takuk lama?"

Satu soalan yang senantiasa bermain-main di kotak fikiranku - berlegar-legar mencari suatu jalan penyelesaian yang belum tentu dapat aku temukan di benak minda sempitku itu.

Sesungguhnya, aku sebenarnya masih sangat beruntung kerana mempunyai satu "takuk" rujukan - titik penanda kehidupan yang secara halus dan tersirat menyatakan bahawa aku telah pernah melalui beberapa "takuk" dan tidak sangkut di satu tahap sahaja. Secara tersurat, peringkat demi peringkat kehidupan pernah aku alami sebagai simbol perkembangan seorang makhluk bernama insan. Bagaimana jika seseorang itu tidak punya walau satu "takuk" pun untuk dia imbas dan renungkan kembali - untuk dia memandang seterusnya ke hadapan demi kemajuan? Oh, aku tidak dapat bayangkan! Kehidupan mendatar masih menunjukkan satu pola, tetapi kehidupan tanpa sebarang corak atau petunjuk masa dan nilai? Bagaikan tidak pernah wujud.... there's definitely no meaning in THAT!

Mungkin akan ada teman-teman yang kurang bersetuju dengan pernyataanku ini. Iyalah.... dulu aku tak punya kerja tetap, tapi Alhamdulillah, sekarang ini Allah sangat pemurah denganku. Inilah yang dipanggil rezeki. Tidak lama dulu, aku masih budak-budak hingusan - masih bergelumang dengan tugasan yang tak berkesudahan, ujian demi peperiksaan, perselisihan faham trivial antara rakan-rakan.... dan lain-lain....

Tetapi sekarang, aku sudah dikira dewasa (malahan sudah tua sebenarnya - sudah banyak umur!) - kepala otak berserabut pula dengan kerja, kerja, kerja, tak habis-habis kerja.... laporan penilaian tahunan... politik pejabat yang menyusahkan.... dan macam-macam lagi...

Berbeza bukan masa-masa dulu dengan kini? Hmm...

Tetapi, mengapa aku masih merasakan bahawa aku masih di takuk lama?

Hakikatnya, pemikiran cetek-ku masih belum cukup berkembang. Dunia-ku kini tidak melahirkan ekspresi diri yang mampu aku kecapi semasa aku masih naif dahulu. Perasaan....ah... perasaan yang tak sudah-sudah menimpa jiwa sedangkan perkara dan peristiwa telah lama berlalu. Hidup dalam nostalgia, terikat dan terbelenggu oleh rantaian obligasi yang aku ciptakan sendiri. Aku mungkin cukup materi, tapi rasa sangat miskin mental emosi dan spiritual hati.

The fact is that I've been blogging for more than one whole year now (beginning in friendster blog and moving on to this blog now). I've written more than what I originally expected to. I've grown actually - in a very small and unimportant way, but I have been more matured now.

Yet, somehow, I still want to talk about the same thing that I talked about a year ago. As if this self-therapy has not helped much.... It has provided an adequate aid - a great means for me to start expressing myself again, with truest honesty. But Honesty is not a Luxury that I can afford in these dire times, in this reality. I wonder why...

You see, this Ramadhan has reminded me of my own original reasons for writing. And it hurts to remember that I am such a weak being who is so tied up with her feelings when the only thing that I really need to do is let go. But letting go and moving on is much harder to do than to just commit yourself to it, believing that time will heal all wounds.

Actually, I've been meaning to write this post on the first of Ramadhan because I can still remember how it felt like one year ago - to have loved someone and strived to get over the emotions, and not being able to release those negative vibes without hurting the people around me (hence the blogging). But it seems like this roller-coaster ride of mine is not stopping for no one, not even myself... and each day is the day that I keep repeating every routine over and over again - just like an unfeeling robot, mechanical and numb.

I'm not complaining that I'm still at the same stage of my life now as I was previously. I just don't understand why it must involve an opposite gender in the process.

It's very funny, really, because I used to feel even deeper for another person before and yet I fell in love with another one after him. Maybe I'll forget all about this person now and fall in love again in future. Who knows, it might even end in marriage? HAHAHAHAHA! We wish! We wish! ^_^

But life is not all about the so-called "romantic love" only. I will strive to be better in future - a more solehah muslimah and mu'minah, a more excellent servant of Allah...

Even when I can't carry the burden I'm wallowing right now, not anymore, I will still search for the greater purposes of Life. Only then, I believe I can find the Meaning I've been seeking for my whole entire life.

- Stone Forest -

I never thought it was possible

for such a beauty

could exist

made and built

of a substance so cold

so dead, so stale, so grey, so monotonous,

Yet, there it was

The Stone Forest.

If you have never been to the place

I highly recommend that you do

because I assure you that

it is worth every single second

and every single penny of

your time and money

just to see and indulge

in the co-existence

of the natural and man-made beauty.

The views that Nature

has already exhibited for us

And then there was the sceneries

of which such great care was given

by the humans.

Rocks and stones,

(yes, rocks and stones!)

emerged from the centre of the earth

rised up above the ground, rised in the centre of the waters

statues of strength

symbols of pride and rigidness

--- only one colour : grey ---

such vanity.

Stones

in the middle of green

in the midst of the flowery

breathtaking, spellbinding

words just can't describe

they will not do justice

to what Stone Forest really is.

It was like seeing the dead among the living

- but somehow

it was very calming.

And amongst the stones,

-- this forest of the dead and the living --

I feel my numbness grows

my veins unnerved

and my heart becomes one

with the limestone on the ground.

Feelings and emotions are the colours outside of my soul.

~somewhere over the rainbow~di sebalik pelangi~

siang saat mentari begitu cerah memancar
-terik menyilaukan pandangan

kabut jerebu itu masih mengaburi
- kelabu semua yang di kejauhan

jangan bimbang...
kehangatan hari ini tetap terasa
Kehangatan Cinta Tuhan yang menyelimuti
sejalur demi sejalur cahaya-haba

tapi entah mengapa
hujan semalam juga
yang kurasakan paling indah
titis airnya

Pelangi,
muncullah lagi!

(FINALLY!) I'm entertaining MY SISTER's TAG... And (HELL YEAH!) I'm tagging her BACK...and Paige...and Gee...and Bul (takde sapa bleh t'lps!)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people [I don't think I have THAT many friends to torture] to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you [PADAN MUKA KAMU KOCIK! SILA BUAT INI SEKALI LAGI! AND, NO(!), U CAN'T TAG ME AGAIN! MY RULE!].

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Nescafe 'o Ais
2. Last phone call [received]: Mama
3. Last text message [received]: My boss (uwek!)
4. Last song you listened to: CA's "Genie in a bottle"
5. Last time you cried: I don't think I ever stopped crying (silently OR loudly)

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: Never dated no one even once (TIPU GILLER! ahaks! ^_^)
7. Been cheated on [by special boyfriend?]: Never had any special boyfriend
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Nope, don't think so... at least not yet
9. Lost someone special: yes... and it hurts! =(
10. Been depressed: What do you think "deep-rested" is?! it's a combination of "i'm always so depressed and i need rest all the time"... get it?!
11. Been drunk and threw up: been dizzy and threw up doesn't count? ^_^

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. ungu susu (milky purple OR lilac ^_^ )
13. other shades of purple
14. colourful......!!!!! pink, green, blue, black, white, red, dark chocolate.... etc.... no limitations!

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: lotsa lots of them!
16. Fallen in of love: Nothing concrete
17. Laughed until you cried: I think I did most of the opposite
18. Met someone who changed you: "people" don't change you, they just "influence" your change
19. Found out who your true friends were: never-ending process
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I don't think it matters anymore
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: no.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: "real"? by whose definition?
23. How many kids do you want?: 4-6 good ones (^_^)
24. Do you have any pets: r u kidding? I even wanna throw my sister's out!
25. Do you want to change your name: no changing what-so-ever... just "adding" maybe
26. What did you do for your last birthday: sleep
27. What time did you wake up today: 0530 (whoa! that's early... i mean, for my standard)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: TV
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: sleep
30. Last time you saw your Mother: today 0730 (well, i do live with my mom)
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: None to change about my LIFE, but myself - yes - nak jadi lebih istiqamah dalam mengerjakan ibadah untuk & kerana Allah
32. What are you listening to right now : kipas komputer (with a dash of construction site's sound in the dimmed background)
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: tom and jerry kids?
35. Most visited webpage: HAHA! my own blog *sheepish smile*
36. Whats your real name: don't intend to tell, i'm anonymous, remember?
37. Nicknames: kakak?
38. Relationship Status: in a lot of relationships....
39. Zodiac sign: gemini
40. Male or female?: LADY
41. Primary School?: SKS 1
42. Secondary School?: SMAPK
43. High school/college?: KMPP
44. Hair colour: dark brownish-black with hints of redness from inai ^_^
45. Long or short: what is?
46. Height: Average
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Trying very hard NOT to, not anymore
48: What do you like about yourself?: my mind, heart and soul
49. Piercings: ears..asrama-made ^_^
50. Tattoos: on my heart?
51. Righty or lefty: middle-ly?

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: when i was born (HAHAHA! kira ker nie?)
53. First piercing: masa bayi2 dulu lah kot
54. First best friend: my family
55. First sport you joined: can't remember 'coz i rarely join sport
56. First vacation: childhood - the only time I felt rested
58. First pair of trainers: tak paham "trainers"

59. Eating: baru lepas makan nasi beriani LHDN - sedap!
60. Drinking: Nescafe 'o ais x abis lagi
61. I'm about to: continue work
62. Listening to: kipas komputer dan sayup2 bunyi kereta lalu-lalang
63. Waiting on: bed time and vacation on "alone-time" in Langkawi

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: eh, kan dah jawab soalan ni td?
65. Get Married?: well, in Islam, you can't have own children without getting married first.
66. Career?: successful entreprenuer-cum-freelance writer-cum-social activist

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: None - no favours on this one, but I guess I do like to look at people's eyes... "dari mata turun ke hati"
68. Hugs or kisses: tak tau nak kata, sbb x penah b'cium lagi
69. Shorter or taller: x kisah kot...
70. Older or Younger: balanced, well - balanced
71. Romantic or spontaneous: both - but in moderation
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: seriously? physicals can change drastically. I prefer to look at personality a.k.a. "soul"
73. Sensitive or loud: combination of both based on occasion
74. Hook-up or relationship: depends on the purpose / objective / mission
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: NONE. I HAVE ENOUGH OF THOSE MYSELF.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: soalan ini terlalu kabur....
77. Drank hard liquor: Na'uzubillahiminzalik
78. Lost glasses/contacts: camana nak ilang kalo tak penah ada? oh, except sunglasses murah
79. Sex on first date: Na'uzubillahiminzalik ... (plus I think THAT would be stupid - senang2 jer serah diri masing2? MURAHNYA!)
80. Broken someone's heart: I'm a heartbreaker - family, frens, etc, u name it - 'coz my heart gets broken all the time too... so why not return the favour, kan?
82. Been arrested: yup, by my own folly
83. Turned someone down: sometimes - it's always like that in life right now
84. Cried when someone died: if that person is close enough to me
85. Fallen for a friend?: lotsa times - t'jerat dgn perasaan sendiri

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: InsyaAllah
87. Miracles: ALLAH lebih MAHA MENGETAHUI
88. Love at first sight: Unfortunately, I do - I think chemistry must work most of the times - BUT I also KNOW and believe that LOVE NEEDS HARD WORK to maintain
89. Heaven: SAYA PERCAYA KEPADA SEMUA PERKARA DALAM RUKUN IMAN
90. Santa Claus: literally? come on lah....
91. Kiss on the first date: kalo dah kawin, apa salahnya ^_^
92. Angels: SAYA PERCAYA KEPADA SEMUA PERKARA DALAM RUKUN IMAN

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 [special] girlfriend/boyfriend at a time?: NEVER had even one.
95. Did you sing today?: sikit2 adalah...
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: as in "curang"? tak tau nak kata...
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? : kalo boleh jumpa Rasulullah, ok gak... kalo tak, the present is enough
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: I don't want "1 day", I just need ONE MOMENT - masa night walk kat bomba, as i was lying on the tar road and gazing at the millions of stars in the dark skies - remembering everything that's most important to me, sambil bersyukur kepada Allah dgn nikmat Dia esp. bila aku berjaya buat kembara hutan bomba tue (dahlah bawa hos bomba yg berat tue, tapi antara terawal yg sampai kat khemah) ... the meaningful satisfaction of achievements and accomplishments...
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: NOW? I think I am, sbb aftermath dier.... serik rasanya... Tapi kalo berkasih-sayang, saya tak takut langsung
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: apa punya soalan daaa????!!!!!

[entah apa2 aku jawab... nasib lah...]

I hate that I "love" you (should have been "loved" but why am I still stuck on you?!)

I wonder why I keep remembering him. Now, it's worse than ever. When I assess myself objectively on the matter, I seriously believe and am convinced that I no longer have any romantic feelings for him (well, he was never my special boyfriend).

And it makes me sick to see myself being as pathetic as I am currently. It should have been over - it was just a silly crush. Yet, I suffer today like I'm still trying to hang on to this deeply false emotions. I still peek on him and his car occasionally from time to time. I'm so SICK, aren't I? mentally-ill....

The truth is... he's such a jerk... well, maybe not literally because he is not a bad person in actual reality. He is just plainly human - a normal, average human being. And I know that I bore the people around me when I constantly talk about him and my unearthly feelings.

Trust me, I bore my own self sometimes as I know that I am being such a pathetic loser by doing this to myself. I don't deserve to treat myself this way. But, why can't I stop? Why can't I move on? Why must I drag this burden around?

It feels so empty - I FEEL EMPTY.

Allah.... Allah, please lend me strength and wisdom to be able to stand up again from this defeat. Please grant me your blessings so that I may only love You and only You alone. Though I am but an ordinary, flawed creature of weaknesses, I find that only Love fills my heart - and nothing else. Yet, somehow, this Love not only delights me, It burdens and pains me with such great vigour that I shake with terror and fear of its abscence should It decide to vanish into thin air one day.

Monolog Orang Gila I (eh, betul ker gila? ... tapi, kalau ikutkan sekarang nie, sapa ajer manusia yang tak gila?)

[sedang aku pening kepala memikirkan keja yg x siap2, aku telah mengambil sehelai kertas dan menulis seperti di bawah sebelum aku koyak dan renyuk lumat2 kertas tersebut lalu buang ke tong sampah...]

Mengapa masih merasa sebegini terasing, kerdil dan hina?

Mengapa masih merasa rendah diri tentang penampilan fizikal sendiri?

Bersyukurlah
atas
nikmat
yang telah Allah kurniakan...

Bersyukurlah kerana engkau masih
punya kehidupan
- terima kasih -
itu satu ucapan yang perlu dizahirkan melalui tindakan.

Daya nak kurus?
Tak nak kurus sangat. Tapi, kecil sikitlah drp skrg.
Habis tue, kenapa tak usaha sungguh2?
Entahlah... rasa nak sgt kembali slim mcm masa sek. men. dulu.
Usahalah! Senaman, kawal makan, banyakkan makan buah dan sayur, banyakkan minum air masak, etc... pastu, rajin2kanlah diri buat keja2 opis & umah byk2 sket, cepat2 sket...
Memanglah nak buat semua tue... tapi... entahlah... vitamin M- byk sgt dlm badan...
Jangan putus asa! Usaha lg! Lawan perasaan2 negatif tue! Igtlah... usaha tangga kejayaan.
Best, kan, kalau badan slim mcm Ju, Nani, Pn. Su, etc... Sumer baju pun longgar je bila pakai...
Memang best! Sbb tue, kau kena usaha lebih! Yg penting, jaga kesihatan. Kecantikan tue perkara kedua.
Betul tue, aku mesti tekad, nekad, berazam tinggi & action everythg out! Bertindak spt yg sepatutnya!!!
Setuju! Sentiasa lah juga tunaikan solat, puasa, zakat, etc sebagaimana yg patut!!! Allahu Akbar!!!

[dan sesi monolog kali ini terhenti di situ sahaja memandangkan aku dah lapar dan nk pegi lunch ^_^ (dan, oh, terlupa plak yang kertas aku dh abis...) heheheh...]

*Disclaimer: Sila jgn ikut perangai di atas kerana organisasi anda membayar anda untuk membuat keja2 yg sepatutnya, dan bukan membuat perkara2 tak semenggah seperti menulis blog post peribadi semasa waktu keja.*

"Mengalah Bukan Bermakna Kalah"...

merupakan kata-kata Mama saat kami mengadu tentang kehidupan kami yang pathetic ini. Dia selalu mengucapkan kata-kata hikmah ini kepada kami setiap masa, tak kiralah apa keadaan atau situasi yang kami ceritakan - macam-lah kata-kata tue boleh mengubat sakit hati atau kesusahan kami pada masa itu. Duh!



Tapi, kami faham apa yang Mama ingin maksudkan - menundukkan ego diri sendiri untuk memberikan laluan kepada orang lain bukanlah satu tanda kelemahan atau kekalahan, because life is not always about winning or losing. Sebaliknya, Mama selalu nasihat yang "mengalah" tu sebenarnya satu bentuk kekuatan - kemenangan jiwa dan iman terhadap keangkuhan dan riak takabbur...



And because of these magic words, I am going to apologise to my 'younger' brother for being rude the other day. Though I believe I had the most solid reasons for hanging up the phone when he started barking (literally!) on the phone for a mistake that is not entirely my fault, I will quit my ego and give my pride up in exchange for a peace of mind. Well, who can stand doing something so stupid like what I did when the mother's "magic advice" keeps ringing in my head...? Huh? One can try, but I can't stand being wrong too long (even if I seriously believe that I'm on the right side here).



Wish me luck! And, oh, hopefully I don't forget this pledge. ^_^

Death - kerna mati itu benar...

Death has never promised any remorse, failure, success, healing or anything at all. Death never even promised hope or / and a piece of happiness amidst the abundance of sadness. Death is true, it's REAL - but the life before, after and in between seem so dreamy-like and not real. It seems like the times when you go out and play, and your parent calls you back home when it's dark outside and the sun has already set... you did not notice anything that you did before or after the calling - you just simply remember the voices most.

Ya, kematian tidak pernah menjanjikan apa-apa. Ia tidak pernah menjanjikan penyesalan atau rawatan atau kebijaksanaan atau hikmah atau kenyataan mahupun balasan. Siapa kata kematian itu boleh menebus kebodohan hati manusia yang melakukan dosa? Sesungguhnya kata-kata itu sememangnya cuma bait-bait patah perkataan yang tidak berlandaskan kebenaran dunia yang realiti. Apa yang nyata, satu kematian yang kau hadapi tak akan menjanjikan apa-apa perubahan kepada kau ... melainkan dalam iman-mu yang tinggal sekelumit zarah itu memang sudah ada keinginan untuk melaksanakan kelainan dan mencari jalan ke arah kejayaan, kebaikan dan kecemerlangan.

Kematian tidak menghasilkan idea atau buah fikiran, tidak pula melahirkan tindakan. Manusia yang menetapkan jalan yang ingin ditempuh - sama ada kematian yang tenang atau penyeksaan yang berpanjangan selepas jasad berpisah daripada sekujur tubuh yang lemah. Semuanya berkait rapat dengan PILIHAN.

Aku dulu pernah mempunyai satu tanggapan klise yang sangat melucukan - aku pernah percaya bahawa kematian boleh mengubah kehidupan seseorang, atau lebih tepat lagi 'PERANGAI' dan sifat serta sikap insan. Hakikatnya, apa yang sudah menjadi tabiat bukan mudah untuk di-set semula - tidak ada butang atau punat untuk ditekan dan mengembalikan kain penuh warna-warni itu kepada 'default' putih yang bersih, suci dan murni supaya mampu dicorakkan semula. Naif betul pemikiran!

Sebenarnya, kematian ayahku telah banyak mempengaruhi perjalanan hidup kami sekeluarga kini. (PENGARUH dan bukan ubah.) Tapi, masalah yang memeningkan kepala Papa dan Mama dulu masih lagi menyusahkan Mama sekarang (kalau tidak menambahkan serabut di kepala). Cabaran baru yang dihadapi saat ini pernah juga memunculkan bayangan diri mereka pada waktu dahulu. Dunia pasca sebuah kematian bukanlah terlalu berbeza daripada kehidupan yang belum pernah menemukan kematian dalam catatan dunianya.

Mungkin cuma aku yang terlalu mengharapkan perbezaan. Sakit kan, bila kita punya harapan....???

Nampak gayanya kepulangan ke pangkuan Yang Maha Esa pasti mencetuskan sedikit riuh-rendah, tapi bingit itu pasti-kan reda bila sampai masanya... and then the reality hits...

- the point of no return -

Guess what?

I've been thinking lately - and by thinking, I mean that I have really, literally used my mind to consider and re-examine the things and stuffs in life, and not just some figurative speaking of how I "may" have used my brain but not quite yet (?) - of how I have always been a person of thoughts and so much less lacking of action in life...

It is such a pity, you know, how you talk so diligently about dreams and passion and "living", when you actually do nothing in your power to make them come true .... or have never ever worked hard enough OR tried even harder to do so.....

I don't even know why I'm writing this, but I guess it doesn't really matter, does it?

This blog was supposed to be my most "truest", honest writing about the things that I want to talk about. (That's the reason behind those unnecessary anonymity...) And the subject of my writing OR the style I write it with should not matter at all.

Instead, this is now, just another mask that I put on - just another facade to hide from the truth ... as I think too much and care too much of other people's feelings (as well as those that I know of and those who are strangers to my eyes/heart) ...

THIS moment here, this post here, this [silent] apology here - will mark the beginning of an honesty.

I REALLY WANT TO WRITE, but now it will only be for the sole reason that I LOVE WRITING - and NOTHING ELSE.

And maybe then, this supposedly self-therapy will heal me into actioning the dreams and passion that I have always kept in my heart. Just maybe then...

P/S: Teman, aku sudah tunaikan janjiku semalam, tapi benarkan aku untuk memilih sendiri bahasa pengantaraku. Kerna sesungguhnya aku cuma seorang pencinta bahasa - dan aku hanya punya dua bahasa. Andai aku kenal lebih banyak bahasa, Sepanyol misalnya, pasti aku tuturkan diriku dalam pengantara itu. Ya, sayang, Melayu ini masih tegar intipati Melayunya, walau "layu" itu punya suatu konotasi yang tidak menyenangkan.

~untuk Paige, dariku, satu-satunya teman keliru-mu~.

Ke hadapan Papa tersayang,

Kakak minta maaf kerana tidak dapat menjadi anak yang baik dan solehah sekarang. Saat ini, hati dan jiwa kakak sarat dengan noda-noda hitam yang tak mungkin dapat kakak lenyapkan dalam masa yang singkat.

Kakak dah tersilap. Kakak ingatkan kakak mampu atasi godaan dosa, tapi kakak lemah, Papa... sangat lemah... Kakak nak kuatkan iman, kakak nak berbakti kepada Papa dan Mama dan adik-adik... bawa keluarga kita ke jalan yang lurus, jalan yang diredhai-Nya... jalan yang menyelamatkan kita daripada kesesatan - jalan bahagia.

Seronok, kan, kalau kita boleh menjadi seperti keluarga bahagia yang lain... Yang tak pernah meninggalkan solat atau puasa atau lain-lain ibadah wajib secara sengaja... Yang 'normal' dan tidak berkonfrontasi sesama sendiri... Yang tidak punya konflik membinasa....?

Kakak tahu kita perlu amat bersyukur kerana kita punya keluarga kita untuk bergantung harap dan saling membantu serta menyokong dan bersama kita dalam susah dan senang kehidupan ini. Sedih kalau kita tak punya keluarga kita, kan, Papa? Anak yatim piatu menangis sendiri dan tertawa juga keseorangan - hidup berdiri di atas kaki sendiri. Selalunya 'berdikari' itu punya maksud yang sangat baik dan istimewa, tapi jika kita tak punya keluarga, ia bagaikan perkataan yang memaksa kita untuk sentiasa terasa kehilangan apa yang kita tiada.

Alhamdulillah kita punya keluarga kita, Papa. Besar betul anugerah Tuhan ini - SANGAT HEBAT!

Malangnya, keadaan sekarang bukanlah satu situasi yang kakak harapkan. Keluarga kita bagaikan semakin retak menanti belah - tak mampu untuk bersatu walau bagi suatu perkara yang sekecil kehidupan dan aktiviti bersama di hujung minggu. Semua seperti tidak peduli lagi. Hidup dan hari-hari yang dilalui hanyalah kitaran monotonous dan kebiasaan yang tidak bermakna. Setiap orang punya kehidupan sendiri - semua sudah dewasa... Tak perlu bebelan Mama atau kenangan Papa untuk menasihati keterlajakan langkah yang diatur. Kononnya!

Kami semua sedang mencuba sebenarnya, bukan kami tidak mencuba, Papa. Tapi entah di mana silapnya, segala usaha yang dicurah bagaikan tidak menjadi - sia-sia seumpama mencurah air ke daun keladi, mana mungkin daun itu menyerap air yang menimpa, ia kan kalis air...?

Tiba-tiba kakak teringat yang kakak tak pernah mengucapkan Selamat Hari Bapa kepada Papa. Maafkan kami. Kesempatan itu tidak dapat menjadi kelebihan kami dalam kehidupan ini. Peluang yang tak mungkin bakal muncul lagi... selamanya...

Doa kami tetap satu - agar Papa dimasukkan ke dalam golongan hamba-hamba Allah yang beriman dan bertaqwa, yang sentiasa diberkati, diredhai dan disayangi oleh Allah... dan agar suatu hari nanti kita sekeluarga bakal bertemu kembali dan bersatu di 'sana' - di alam yang kekal abadi itu.

Kita tidak mungkin tahu nasib kita yang akan datang, kan Papa? Kakak harap kita sekeluarga tidak akan putus berdoa dan mengabdikan diri kepada Pemilik kita supaya mungkin dosa-dosa yang pernah, sedang atau bakal kita lakukan akan diampunkan oleh-Nya... dan kita menjadi MANUSIA YANG BAHAGIA - KELUARGA BAHAGIA.

Dan di sini, izinkan kakak menyusun sepuluh jari kerdil ini untuk memohon ampun dan maaf dengan Papa. Mungkin kakak atau Mama atau adik-adik tidak dapat peluang untuk meminta maaf secara peribadi dan langsung dengan Papa, tapi ketahuilah, Papa, bahawasanya KAMI SANGAT MERINDUI kehadiran Papa di sini.

Biarlah kita menjadi keluarga yang dysfunctional sekalipun, walau hanya untuk seketika lagi, saat-saat itu sudah cukup sempurna kerana adanya Papa.

Cukup untuk melepas rindu, cukup untuk menyatakan yang kami sangat menyayangi dan menghargai Papa walaupun dulunya kami sebenarnya sangat takut dengan kegarangan Papa.

Tak mengapa, Papa... kini kami faham yang Papa tidak sempurna...

TIADA MANUSIA YANG SEMPURNA.

[Ketidaksempurnaan itulah yang menjadikan insan seperti kita ini sebagai makhluk Allah yang istimewa. Dan Mama serta Papa sentiasa buat kami merasa bahawa kami istimewa - itulah kebenaran hakiki dalam minda kami, kami ini sentiasa istimewa walau tidak di mata dunia. And we have the two of you to thank to, our dear beloved, special, exceptional parents.

The rest of the world doesn't matter anymore because we have each other.]

14 Jun 2009...

... merupakan hari yang paling membosankan dalam sejarah hari lahirku. Kerana tarikh itu berada di pertengahan bulan, makanya tiada apa yang "istimewa" yang mampu aku lakukan. Well, money could certainly buy SOME amount of happiness.

Tapi aku tak sedih. Aku habiskan hari itu dengan aktiviti kegemaranku - TIDUR. And I can REALLY SLEEP! Forget the world, forget everything! And always dream on...

Empat hari sebelum itu, hari lahir adik aku - PUN BOSAN. Dia tak bosan sebab dia keluar dengan kawan-kawan (suatu kebiasaan yang dia tidak kisah untuk teruskan walaupun dia tahu dia tidak bergaji tetap malahan meminjam duit wanita-wanita famili ini! Dasar manusia!). HUH!

Satu fakta menarik dalam keluarga ini ialah kewujudan adanya TIGA orang insan berbintang GEMINI - memang sangat penuh ber'angin'. Monsun tak kira masa atau tempat. (Kadang-kadang, rasa sangat kelakar ^_^ )

Apapun, alhamdulillah aku dapat pergi swimming dengan kawan aku di kondominiumnya. Ia bukanlah terlalu istimewa, but it was the best pre-birthday celebration that I ever had since such a long time now...

It's funny how birthdays actually illustrate hints of how your year would be. If this really is the case, I guess I'm going to have a very "sleepy" and tiresome year. Not that I haven't had a bad year already, but the birthday somehow strengthened the fact that I'm becoming more and more of a loser with the coming of each day.

I want to have a GREAT YEAR. Maybe I will somehow... I guess I just have to keep trying.

I believe that I'm already happy with my life as it is, and that I will be happy in future just staying the same. I certainly hope that I can.

This is what happens when you suddenly realise - marriage is not for me... Hope I can make my mom understands it...

in the eyes of man

i was very surprised to see him yesterday. Not that i was too surprised - he did live quite nearby the area - but there was still the element of shock when i saw him with his girlfriend yesterday.

i was having one of the best times with my mom and sisters (my brother could not come because he would have a meeting later that evening).... we were queuing up to buy tickets to the movie, and there he was - standing behind my sisters and i... i did not notice him at first - my sister pointed him out to me.

i can't really say or even tell how i felt at that moment. i mean, my actual feelings... part of me was excited (i rarely bumped into someone i know), and part of me wished that i never knew he was there.

and somehow, in midst of the mixed feelings, there was a sadness, bitter emotion as if i was hurt deeply by something. as if i could still be hurt by him...

but there was also joy - humph! - a relief to know that i can safely say i have won, in a way.... heheheh.... bad girlie.... she thinks she's prettier than the guy's girlfriend... (or at least in my mind, i was ^_^ )

i guess i'm still trying so hard to get over my feelings, my 'crush' for him.... oh, why can't i just live with the fact that he's a jerk? why must i still hang on to these 'uncertain', fleeting emotions?

i don't want to cry anymore - at least not because of him... but Allah, the Almighty.... i'm so confused... i know he's no good for me, but ...

the hollowness inside my heart keeps reminding me of the hole he left when he 'went' away...

until today, i still remember all those 'memories' - sweet nostalgia - that stung my soul to numbness. such pain, such coldness, such ..... love....

and he was not even my boyfriend.