Pasal Toujours Advanced Collagen Shots
10 years ago
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
~AnGeL oF MiNe~
i
am
not
an Angel
but if i ever were
would you care to let me
be YOURS?
FOO FIGHTER’s “Best Of You”
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh…
Oh…Oh…Oh…Oh…
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love you’d die to heal
The hope that starts the broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh…
~~JaTuH CiNtA~~
Jatuh CinTa
Begitu mudah beralih arah
Perasaan yang begitu murah
Rasa hangat yang ingin dikerah
Hanya sekejap kasih dicurah….
Jatuh cinta
Sebegitu kecil duniaku
Ramai sekali menjadi penghibur
Tidak ku kenal erti rindu
Tidak ku tahu makna pilu
Tidak ku fahami maksud sendu.
jatuh cinta
aku tetap seorang yang kalah
jatuh cinta
ketawakanlah
selagi ada suara
untuk mengejek
selagi ada daya
untuk mengherdik
aku tak akan pernah mampu hayati
jatuh cinta
yang datang dan pergi
sebagai angin lalu membisik
-bayu yang nyaman, selesa
-namun terlalu rapuh
-terlalu lemah
-tak berharga
jatuh
dan cinta lagi
jatuh cinta
jatuh hati
dan jatuh lagi
apa erti?
still loving, still hoping [v:II]
infatuation: LoVe, HoPe.
i have always been fascinated by the two MOST outstanding, outrageous, outwitting, ridiculously haunting, out-of-this-world and strongest emotions ever felt by an individual human being - MOST FASCINATED actually.
no, it’s not the fact that people tend to hang on to these feelings to keep surviving this pathetic living, this unbearable life….
and no, it’s not because of the beauties and wonders that almost always come with the package of these two overwhelming, touching elements…
it’s the fact that people still believe and somehow long for the magic within these soothing feelings, these promising emotions even when they have been repeatedly hurt by the heartbreaking experiences involved in achieving the impossible…
cynical? sinister? pessimistic? negative thinking? closed mind?
or perhaps just merely rational and logic thinking - the kind of mental state, mind and reason which prevails when all else fails …
take this story for instance…
Sam kept falling in love and having a number of crushes - all of which were kept hidden and secret from everybody who knew her. she never told her crushes that she admired them - sometimes even feeling deeper and stronger for them than she really should have. she never told them - she never even considered telling them. she only did what she knew best - hide and cover up her feelings, tend to her utmost fantasies, celestial dreams of happiness - blissfully ignoring the fact that she might be a cowardice who runs from her true emotions about someone. no, she did not want to lie - she never wanted to fake her facial expressions when ever she was near her crushes… she never wanted to be any of those…. she have always wanted to take risks - and not play it too safe all the time - to come clean and be honest, be really honest. to be able to fully embrace the beautiful rush of adrenalin when ever she thought she was falling head over heels for someone - she’d really like that. but she was SAM - the never-quite-at-home-nor-did-she-quite-belong Sam… was it worth doing what she did? if u asked her, she’d probably say yes. it wouldnt be something that wasted her time and certainly wouldnt be the cause of her misery - because, as she would put it, “the beauty and depth of the emotions is worth every hurt, wound and pain which weakens you - for it gives you hope, it gives you love to hang on to - something to make your miserable life more bearable and worthwhile livng.” and no, she never changed her secretive, chickened ways - she stayed the same forever. but, oh, yes, she did move on to something better - NO OTHER CRUSHES ANYMORE , at least until she could figure herself out first.
so, u see, what is there not to wonder about this LOVE and HOPE feelings? arent they the most intriguing mysteries of life? just imagine, a particular homo sapiens does not regret what more think of giving up on the prospect of those deep emotions even when the person has been repetitively being deprived of its joy ever becoming a reality.
of course, i would be MOST FASCINATED. wont all other similar species?
~~tHe gHoStS oF U~~
“I’ve got a confession to make
-I’m no fool”
CRAP!
Whom am I fooling? I AM SUCH A BIG FOOL – full of my own silly folly, full of things that only ridicule me, FULL OF CRAP!
“the best,
the best of u”
Why do u keep having all these weird, freaky feelings inside of u when all that u ever wanted to do is keep all those unnecessary emotions away – so far away - in a galaxy far, far away?
Why is it that u keep feeling so deeply and strongly about someone when the person barely knows u r alive? Sometimes have never even known u existed?
why do u tell people that u r okay when u r still bleeding inside - though the wound is healing but still the pain is very much REAL n yet your heart bleeds? why do u say u’ve moved on when u keep hanging on to the past memories, the nostalgia?
why do u lie even to urself that everything is fine when u know that u still remember? why do u mention that life goes on when u can’t really forgive and forget - not even letting yourself win and rule over your overrated feelings?
The ghosts of u keep haunting me – my dreams, my life, my being, my heart, my soul…
the ghosts of u keep coming - never giving me a single second of peace…
the ghosts of u keep appearing in my sleep and even in my sleepless states too…
i wish i could awaken from this nightmare - from this hope of love - from this love of hope…
- rise from the despairs of
love and hope
hope and love
- not worth wasting my time
for something as fragile and fleeting
even if there’s essence of greatest beauty
in them
not at this point in my life…
why do u keep searching for something that never was - for something that never is and never will be? why do u keep wondering and stealing glances at things u r so familiar with - to look and seek for the face, the presence of the one u try so hard to ignore and forget?
why such irony? why such separate realities? why such differences? why such indecision?
let’s keep something near - sanity, rationale, logic - something concrete and can be touched - the sense of longing, hurting and PAIN 
RiNdU….i’m NoT MisSinG u!
rindu sgt….. RINDUUUUUU SSGGGGTTTT….
- SANGAAAATTTTTTT-
pd suatu persahabatan mengusik
pd suatu perasaan romantik
pd perbualan serius yang panjang
pd sapaan mesra yang pendek
YA, AKU RINDU!
but i’m not missing u!
i’m not wishing u would ever be close to me ever again
i’m not wanting u to ever notice me anymore
i’m not hoping u’d understand the way i really feel about u….
I’M JUZ NOT MISSING U!
kekadang, memang diri ini tertanya2
mengapa begitu mudah ia kalah
kepada sesuatu yang tak pernah
wujud secara lahiriah?
bohong andai dinafikan
bahawa jiwa tidak pernah
mengimpikan segala yang indah2
utk dikongsi bersama
dlm kegirangan yang meriah.
but i’m not missing u
i’ve got lots to do
i know i used to hate to see u go
but this time, it’s different
i dont even feel the distance
it’s juz not like that anymore
I’M NOT MISSING….
I’M NOT MISSING U!!!!!
blogging & online personal journals
people blog for various reasons.
call me selfish or what eva, but i dont really care about other people’s reasons for blogging. wut i do care is the fact that they blog n i get to enjoy lotsa blogs out there that’s waiting to be discovered.
but, there are so many interesting blogs in the web - too many that i dont really have time to read much. styles of blogging (or, in other word, writing) differ too from one person to the other. mine - it has always been about an online personal journal.
i know of some prejudiced minds out there that would think how foolish of me to keep a personal journal online - n how boring. i know too that many would not even bother to give my blog a second glance - wut is there to read about a simple girl’s stories, rite? i mean, come on….. rite?
sometimes, even i would doubt my own judgment in writing this personal journal online. i mean, blogging should be about writing one’s opinions n thoughts about sth - more of an expository essay or sth, rite? n personal stuffs arent supposed to be declared publicly…. yeah, that’s wut i thought of too - in the beginning….
well, i think i juz wanna be one of those boring blogs that talk about nothing basically - merely juz babbling around stuffs that dont really matter… life, love. hate, work, life again, boys, girls, family, bare opinions on sth, love again, frenships, relationships, finding self, n life again - again…. et cetera, et cetera….
come to think of it, i talk nonsense most of the times… but, interestingly enough, i find more people doing even more nonsensical stuffs in real life - wasting their youths, times, n lives away by doing things that they know would destroy them, but they juz dont wanna care…
i hope i would be able to use this blog as a therapy not to become one of those people….
no, they’re not bad.. they’re juz humans… but i dont wanna waste away sth that i dont have control of… i wanna control myself while i can, while i’m still in charge of my sanity - n maybe try to do more good to others in the meantime.
i wanna love Allah more than i already am being loved by Allah. can this be done? gratitude may be the KEY….
To dRiVe oR nOt To DrIvE?
8.30 am - the clock is ticking. i looked outside d window. neither he nor she is still here. I really hope they’ve not forgotten ’bout me…
8.31 am - she finally came. NOW i’m nervous. y does it have to be today? can i postpone this to some other time? can i make it thru? WILL i make it thru? wut if i dont make it? wut would happen then? no! i’ve sacrificed too much to fail. i must pass the test. period.
9.00 am - it was such a beautiful day. the sun was shining bright, the sky was crystal clear. the air was cold, but not too cold. once in a while, soft winds would breeze in… nature was definitely calm and almost quiet - as if serenity has been blessed to illuminate the day. it was one of those perfect mornings.
gathered in 2 separate places were anxious, nervous faces - total strangers with one common goal….. to pass the test. some could be seen chattering happily, and being so friendly with each other. others were trying to converse very casually - asking all d general questions, nothing too personal, just small talks would be appropriate. lives cross paths - temporary warmness could be felt.
still, there were those who chose to stay as quiet as they could - attempting to concentrate on their mission for the day, wishing so hard that it’d be over soon. the minority group that couldnt care less about other than wut’s bothering them at the moment.
the authorities came, the test began. they were strict - or rather trying so hard to look like they have a valid and reliable authority, the POWER to determine a harmless human being’s fate - as everythg would lie in their hands now…
and so, one by one, people come and go - some smiling to their ears, some frowning like Death has come upon them, some with faces as emotionless as stones.
approximately 11.30 am - ALHAMDULILLAH…. it’s over now. we can breathe again. the only test left is with MAMA…………………………………..
*it’s funny how people can share so much when they have nothing in common. n it’s funny how lives can cross paths when there really is no crossroads in between - how people with different backgrounds n different life perspectives may share sth as simple as one common objective: to pass a driving test…. how strangers can feel the same nervousness, excitement, happiness and sadness in the exhilarating moments, triumphs n failures…. (or is it juz false pretense? to look good and seem empathetic enuff? to look humane?)
i wonder if it’s one of those mysterious workings of fate and destiny - the QADA’ & QADAR befell upon us? or is it juz plainly human nature to blame it all on fate? LIFE is really FUNNY - n living is even funnier.
n yet, humans keep driving the distance to keep going on n living.*
love n hope
love is all there is… but love alone is not enough…. when it’s the end of the road in front, there’s always hope around the corner - “if you care”
u dont really need to know d “accessories”
when u could have figured out d “essence”
of someone
hv u ever felt like u dont wanna think about sth n yet it keeps haunting ur mind?
mama: d untold story
i’ve been lazy, as of late.
i’m having trouble committing to my work - esp d postponed loads…
and my mom keep nagging me to WORK, WORK n WORK. it’s like i go to work every morning, juz to come home to more working again at night…
i’m also having trouble planning my life n working out my plan - i feel like i’m so damn disorganised rite now…. like nothing is good enough for me… n I’m NOT good enough for anythg…
N MAMA kept telling me to let go of d bad, n chase after the good… to arrange my time (n all other stuffs too) wisely… n action out ALL dat i’ve planned… BUT……
i understd dat she’s juz worried ’bout me. worried sick dat i might not be a competent worker…. worried dat i might jeopardise my own luck, my own rezeki…. WORRIED dat i may get hurt in d process n be unhappy…
she’s juz plainly worried ABOUT ME.
i AM more than thankful for her care… for her concerns… for her unconditional love… for her utmost attention towards me…. for all n more.
BUT we both need our own space n time sometimes…. N i need her to be less worried about me, so that I can be more worried about myself on my own
i luv her so much. n i need her almost all d time…. BUT NOT ALL D TIME
sad… we r so damn close… i can never keep secrets from her (ok, maybe juz some - very small portion of my life… like d most mischievous stuffs i’d ever done :))
she’s my best fren - but she’s also my mom… i’m afraid of losing her, but i need to lose her presence sometimes….
i dont wanna hurt her - ever… but i dont know if it’s worth getting myself hurt in d end? i guess it is - coz mama is so selfless….
but there were times dat i think she’s selfish…. like when i wanna go out wit my frens n she says ok but she acts not ok… oh, well, i guess it’s only human….
i juz hope dat my siblings and i can take very good care of her - maybe we can never do it better than when she took care of us, but i hope we can at least do it as good as she did when we were smaller.
MAMA, U REALLY R D QUEEN OF OUR HEART….
Monday, February 16, 2009
MARAH
marah.
aku mmg marah.
tp bukan dgn org lain… (w/pun ada yg m’jd tenaga/faktor penyumbang)
sebaliknya…aku sgt marah dgn diri aku sendiri. byk sgt sbb munasabah utk aku marah diri sendiri, antaranya:
1-keja aku x siap2 n dh lama sgt tangguh… x lama lg kalo bos marah2, cuma aku yg b’salah kan? (tho’ it doesnt hurt if they’d make it less harsh
2-aku semakin ‘kurang sopan’ dgn mak aku sendiri…. n kurang prihatin t’hdp adik2 aku … n lupa utk m’doakan ayah aku (memang anak x sedar diri!)
3-aku t’lalu self-centerd n self-obsessed... mcm dh xde org lain dlm dunia ni melainkan aku… (tolonglah! org lain pun ada masalah msg2… diorg xde heran pun dgn kisah hampeh aku suka atau tidak pd org)…
4, 5, 6, 7, 8…… dan seterusnya… t’lalu byk sbb kenapa aku marah dgn diri aku sendiri sejak kebelakangan nih… smpi aku pun dh x larat nk senaraikan kt cni….
ntahlah… tp aku PLG BENGANG sbb aku x dpt kontrol kesukaan aku pd TIDO n kebodohan aku lembab nk catch up blaja driving…. i mean, wut kind of stupid idiots would be so lame as not able to control itself on those matters? well, i guess one of them is ME
i really hoped not to think so negatively of life rite now - it doesnt help esp. when u r feeling so damned low n mad at urself for a lot of thgs dat u wish u could change in the blink of an eye BUT it’s never meant to be… n also when u feel like running away is d best option to do BUT u juz cant coz u r tied up wit all those social ties n responsibilities - obligations dat keep u running… wish dat u could juz dream them away - BUT no, dat cant do.
sedih pun ada bila kita rasa yg kita sbenarnya nk marah kt org lain TP x bleh sbb hakikatnya kita yg b’salah m’biarkan org lain m’pengaruhi hidup kita. apalah nk jd dgn aku nie? depression agaknya… mcm org dh x btul…
but is HUMAN ever a SANE entity?
- for ALL dat has taken place
in this whole wide world
during all these times
-d good-
-n d bad-
-d truth-
-n d lie-
-d blessing-
-n d curses-
-d bliss-
-n d tragedy-
-d hope-
-n d pain-
ALL in ALL ~
only caused by none
but ONE -
- HUMAN’s MADNESS n crazy nature.
marah ku mungkin hilang…perasaan b’campur-baur… tp ya Allah, jgn lah istiqamah ku hilang bersamanya - aku ingin pulang kepadaMu di bwah lembayung redha Mu 
WAllahua’lam bissawab
~TaLkS Of LiFe~
a very close fren of mine called juz recently…
we talked about lotsa thgs. some very serious topics - like the GOD issues, career n others… n some very trifling topics too - such as luv, life, frenship, relationships, etc - bla, bla, bla, bla….
it’s been a while since i had a very long n elaborate conversation wit someone - wutmore wit a really close fren. plus, in these times of d month, i really needed to talk to someone who can juz listen n support me - no matter how wrong i can be or how bad my decisions were about sth.
everythg that could go wrong would always go wrong when ur hormones r running wild n haywire. same thg happens when u can’t really depend on the same people u’ve been depending on for such a long time - juz b’coz u dont really listen to them n dont take heed of their advice.
i usually would talk to my mom n ask her advice on a lot of thgs - namely everythg under d sun (dat’s how CLOSE we r). but sometimes, mother-daughter relationship could betray u when u least wanted it to - though u both already r frens. esp when u do sth very wrong n ur mom disagrees wit u. very tricky this relationship is!
so, when my fren called n we talked n talked n talked - it made me realised how i miss talking to someone of my equal in a lot of thgs… it’s like u both dont have too many tight strings attached…n u both have learnt to accept each other as yourselves r… d beauty of equal-level frenship!
n so, as we conversed, i had one of d best moments in my life - esp as of late when most thgs r going so wrongly against me nowadays… she told me about her life n experiences n opinions - AND i SHARED mine… i never wanted to stop - it was like i did not have to deal wit reality as long as i continue talking to her… sad…. i felt so helpless wit my life.
n when she asked my honest, true feelings about him at d moment, i could not bring myself to even lie or manipulate n bend d facts - i juz plainly n directly told her dat i still AM struggling to get over him n d feelings dat i had for him… (though i think dat it’s d beautiful feelings dat matter more to me than d guy…it’s juz dat d feelings R associated n related to d GUY - HUGE PROBLEM!) i cant possibly tell her otherwise, can i? coz i dont know wut else to tell her if not d TRUTH.
it’s true too dat i yield to d temptations of letting my ego win - to be able to see him beg me for sth dat he wouldnt allow me at d 1st place. aaahhh… sweet, sweet taste of revenge….
but, being d person i am, i know too well dat i cant do that for too long - coz i believe Allah wont let me. I hope, wish n pray ALL d time for Allah to grant his TRUE, ETERNAL LUV towards me - yet, still I merely am an ORDINARY human being.
i’m supposed to finish my work rite now (n not write this blog-post, of course), but somehow i find myself needing to do sth else 1st before coming to my senses wit d harsh reality. my driving lessons r not going too well too… but dat’s d least important thg in my mind rite now.
well, i dont really know wut’s important in my life anymore - i guess this is one of those heartbreaking periods of my life - the ones that u cant defeat wit juz positive approaches n attitudes. but i can admit to one thg for sure - THIS IS an EXCELLENT teaching experience dat would enable me to learn dat there’s always a silver lining on the gray, stormy cloud. NO MATTER WUT OTHERS MAY TELL U…
i asked my fren if someone who only has a crush over someone else, would dat person ever consider praying for d other person’s well-being (n i mean, REALLY PRAY)…? i guess it struck her juz as it struck me in d 1st place - d depth of my so-called crush…. n how destructive it can be…
but DONT WORRY, my dear, dear fren - I WONT LET IT DESTROY ME.
remember i used to say this:
I AM MY OWN HERO - SO I WILL SAVE ME FROM ME…. it’s d least i can do for all d others who love me unconditionally all this while… N FOR ALLAH!
“memang begitu pedih sekali bila hati sedang berduka… ia bagaikan satu kematian yang diratapi kerna pergi n hilangnya org kesayangan kita… tapi, bukankah kedukaan ini hanya peringatan kepada kita tentang betapa indahnya BAHAGIA n SUKA-RIA yg bakal muncul kembali jika kita tekun berusaha ke arah itu. Allah Maha Penyayang - maka sekurang2nya kita blh belajar menyayangi diri n orang lain walau x sehebat cinta Allah pada makhlukNya“
***HATI***
hati yg sedih hanya mampu menangis dalam diam…menyimpan seribu satu rahsia plg dalam…tertusuk sembilu pun x setanding luka & pedihnya dgn “rasa” yg mengganggu jiwa ini….. *_*
Saturday, February 14, 2009
WoRk? Y?
I LOVE TO ASK D QUESTION “WHY“…. and rite now, MY BIGGEST Q is Y DO PEOPLE STAY WORKING AS A CERTAIN CAREER PERSON WHEN ALL THAT THEY WANT IS TO QUIT D JOB?
the fact is… i luv my job rite now. I do, i really do… But my ONLY problem is that I DONT feel that way ALL the time. so, i end up feeling more frustrated and more weary with time… the more time i spend at work, the more i feel like i really dont belong there
i’m trying very hard to make my life (AND career) more enjoyable and more fun as well as satisfactorily rewarding to live with… but somehow d more i try, d more i feel like i ought to get a new job…
no, my life is not AS bad as i make it sound… AND YES, my job is a lot more fun than what i’m saying rite now…. u get to meet people, u get to have some kind of authority at a certain level, u get to learn about lotsa thgs… BUT…. (there’s always d Q: IS this D BEST for me?)
maybe i ought to buy a car - or a property - or even get married and have children, for my sake…so that i have more responsibilities in my life to the extent that i dont have much time to ask ’silly, unnecessary’ Qs to myself…? so that i dont get the luxury of wasting more valuable time pondering and wondering on sth that would not really matter in REAL life (”REAL” by whose ever definition of d word *_* )
YYYYYYYY???????????????????????????????????????????????????????
u know what would be d best thg to achieve about a certain work/job/career? NOT TO FEEL LIKE WORK IS WORK - n to treat work as our PASSION, an enjoyable activity that we would not trade for anythg else…. d passion of living n loving life…
THAT’s d BEST thg DAT anyone could ever achieve about work… coz u can buy awards, n put in effort to gain promotions. u can also do a wide variety of stuffs juz to get paid more. BUT money isnt everythg in life. U CANT BUY HAPPINESS or even happy memories. u juz have to have one, feel one, experience d real thg…
NOR is fun as so much as an effort as work. u juz need to enjoy what u r doing to tell others dat it’s fun for you to do it. n if u cant feel dat way ’bout ur work, u can’t really work to have fun wit ur work - u can try to make it more bearable, but u juz cant force urself if u dont have d heart for sth.
STILL, as sad as it may sound, most of us (including me, myself n i) believe in working as a means for living - to survive and get basic necessities to continue our days breathing in this materialistic world. we earn a living with working - dreams are only made for dreaming, for the fleeting dreamers of d world. it’s cold, yes, but it’s d truth… BUT somehow, i still have faith in d power of choosing MY BEST ALTERNATIVE for my life. i may not b able to achieve D BEST THG ABOUT WORK juz as yet, BUT i can at least promise myself to choose to do so n (though it sounds so funny) work hard to be happy.
( ^_^ my positive thinking, attitude n approach towards thgs r doing its magics n wonders upon me
PERTEMUAN
“p’temuan - walau dlm apa btk, nyata @ maya - pasti m’bibitkan rasa mesra disulami misteri yg cukup menyenangkn…tp yg t’baik adlh p’temuan yg m’buahkn sebuah p’sahabatan penuh kejujuran yg pasti b’kekalan… MAKA b’temu & b’sahabat-lah krn ALLAH ^_^”
~* SOOOO many thgs to write n talk ’bout… yet…….? (WRITER’s Block?) *~
it’s been quite a while since i last wrote in this beloved blog of mine. (yah, i luv it coz i dont hv too many to love
i guess i really miss writing my so-called online journal… but it seems like every time i wanna publish a post, i juz end up oozing sth else instead of GOOD reading material…. i dont know…. i keep wondering y?
it’s only been a few days or weeks (i cant remember which is which? juz lost track of time *_* ) since my last blog-post… n i mean d real one - x d one i “ciplak” from my own shoutout… hehehehe
but A LOT has happened in my life as of late. too many - i dont even hv d energy to babble about it…
it’s juz dat i never xpected to have learnt n grown so much in such a way dat i thot was impossible before …
call me selfish, self-centerd or even self-absorbed, self-obsessed…. w/eva! in my eyes, i wont truly grasp d meaning of “selflessness” until i hv been d selfish, proud, vain n cocky person i was previously (n slightly am today)….
it’s d bliss of ironies… SOMEHOW
i guess
it’s like i’m having what writers would call “a mental block” - but NOT of ideas on what to write, the opposite …. too many ideas yet my phising filter in my brain aint working too well…
pelik tp benar - i believe dat i’m going to pursue my dream of becoming a writer again… buat kesekian kalinya, i REALLY am a walking contradiction. but i WILL write - even if it’s for my own personal pleasure only…
i found some extraordinary blogs out there - wit bombastic words n all… they reminded me of few close frens who ALREADY r writers… Wish i could b like them, BUT i’m only ME
IDEAS usually got stuck in my mind - somehow i forget how to manipulate words n arrange illustrious wordings like i used to so long ago… i know what i need most - a focused space n time - which i could NOT afford in times like these….
but i guess this temporary blockage may well turn out to be a blessing in disguise - at least, for d moment, i appreciate writers more… i respect myself more… i learn dat u dont get to own wut u hv or posses today w/out Allah’s unconditional luv n gift towards His servants - whether or not we r faithful enuff to Him…
u know wut else i learnt? that ideas r always n forever ideas - until u do sth ’bout it n action on it!
my eyelids feel so heavy now, n my eyes wont listen to my hypothalamus’s instruction - not anymore, no more…. the synapses r going further away from each other n no bridges of info r flooding my mind rite now - no rushing trails of thots, no adrenalin rush, no rising hormones, NO NOTHG….
it’s a sign - I REALLY SHOULD STOP WRITING THIS BLOG-POST n work… Reports, reports, reports….as well as minutes of meeting….
*SIGH*
hmmmm…. n ppl say i’m weird when i ask: IS THIS ALL TO LIFE?
luv me or hate me… BUT U may never break me!
***MeNcAri BaHaGiA***
” m’cari bahagia mmg amat perit liku p’jlnnnya…seperit rs pahit hempedu yg melekat di tekak stp kali kita cuba m’hlgknnya dgn air yg diminum… namun kbahagian adlh hak mlk stp insan - dan bahagia yg dicari pasti ditemui walau bkn kini & bkn d cni
“the road to happiness is one bumpy and thorny road - full of challenges, miseries and pains…the taste of bitterness n aching pain lingering in your throat even long after you try so diligently washing them away with plain water… BUT happiness does belong rightfully to every breathing human being on this planet - and we will eventually find it, eventhough it does not belong to us HERE, nor NOW …”
??? wHy, MaLaYsIa, WhY ????
What wrong wit U, Malaysia? - I wish i could ask this question to every living person in this blessed land of MALAYSIA n DEMAND an answer from EACH n EVERY single man/woman/child breathing the sometimes-fresh-n-sometimes-not-so-fresh air of malaysia - regardless of their age n maturity!
Y? well, y not… nowadays, it’s like every where i turn, the BIG Q is: “what is RIGHT wit Malaysia?”… as of late, lotsa thgs r not rite wit our beloved country… so sad… but sooooo true……
y is everybody so busy wit “huru-harak”kan the chaotic political scenario again? enuff already! chaos is good sometimes-esp. when a rainbow only shown after a storm-BUT enuff already… dont we have more vital n crucial matters n prob.s at hand?
hmm…. i can only hope n pray dat ordinary Malaysians think BETTER than the so-called xtraordinary high-end (is this correct?) citizens… 
Would really LUV to see malaysia grow more matured politically n socially -
FOR ALL MEN R CREATED EQUAL IN THE EYES OF ALLAH …
Wallahua’lam…
:( pAiN is mY MiDdLe NaMe - iN BeTwEeN LuV & LiFe’s BLisSfULnEsS ^_^
it’s kinda funny.
the way everythg is most of d times…
i havent met my former secondary schoolmates for quite some time now… i think it’s been 5 years or so… that was when i decided that - yah, i should let go of my past, BUT i shouldnt run from it! coz i’ve been trying to find n be the REAL me so hard that i forget how MY pASt has a contributing factor in my life rite now. so, i went to the gath wit my dearest frens and met my other dearest frens at Cerana Seafood in Cheras last Saturday.
it was kinda cool coz i was quite excited to know how everybody turns out. (plus d place was near maktab polis cheras where i did my police module for dpa 1/2008 - it felt very funny ^_^) it seems like i was d only least glamorous person there - not that i mind coz i’ve never really felt like i belong to those “glamorous” groups. it’s juz that i wish that everybody - inc. myself - could be more open and friendlier wit everyone else at that moment.
we havent seen each other for a while, so i was kinda hoping that EVERYONE would be EXCITED to see EVERYONE - but, NO, i dont think that’s d case. it juz proves One THG n ONE thg onLY - high school never ends… sad, isnt it?
but i did enjoy my time coz most attendees were very good frens of mine. so we chit-chat n talk n gossip n joke around n eat very little (coz it was supposed to be a buka puasa event, but we juz couldnt eat that much!
n then i promised myself that i would stick to d resolution that i made for such a long time but never have i realised it until now - to be HAPPY ON MY OWN first b4 anythg else. that’s y i couldnt figure out how i’m still stuck on this “uncertain-what-its-name-is-but-too deep-in-my-heart” feelings. i’m so SAD coz i’ve been going on like this for quite some time now - wanting and trying so hard to let go but it keeps coming back to haunt me
i can see the facts and figures clearly with my rationale and conscience, but my stubborn heart wont n dont want to listen. it’s as if it has a mind n life of its own. d ONLY BIG Q in my mind n heart rite now - Y?
but i’m very thankful for this experience - too grateful indeed. i learn to see d beauty n positiveness of life, learn to appreciate d thgs i have n d people whom i love n love me back unconditionally. i become d person who seeks d good in people (though my alter ego, DARIA, is still very much a strong part of me)… i teach myself to be happy for no particular reason but juz simply to control my moods and emotions…
i PRAY n HOPE that i’m becoming a better person everyday…
FOR
- though PAIN is MY middle name
- it sits quietly
- in between UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
n SERENE HAPPINESS.
THUS
- i treasure d BAD
- to appreciate d GOOD…
^_^
A LaDy bY ThE LaMp PoSt…
There she was…
Standing by the lamp post
- Alone, Aloof
- with no one else besides her
- except for the fleeting, unfamiliar faces
of total strangers in the dark.
There she was…
standing by the lamp post
-WAITING-
for her mum to pick her up
-WAITING-
if miracle would happen
and she found herself
- safely and warmly tucked at home.
And all the while
she kept thinking, kept remembering
the good, old days when they were learning
of ANOTHER lady by the lamp post.
She cant help but smile to herself
-merely a smirk-
a sinister symbol of witty satire
against the long-forgotten POEM
once taught so diligently by a lecturer
and yet learnt so matter-of-factly by the students.
A Lady by the Lamp Post
-looking on the passer-cars
-depending on the dim, yellowish light that shines down upon her
-to be able to see her mum’s car coming
-to illuminate herself bright enough for her mum to see
-and not miss her, no more, not once more, not any more.
a product of a corrupt education system
-she found herself writing a parody
-to a poem she once was so familiar with
and yet has become an anonymous one now.
What an IRONY life is….
*CrUsH by DaViD ArcHuLeta*
wish I could say these words to the guy:~
David Archuleta - Crush lyric
I hang up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush, what a rush
Cause the possibility
that you would ever feel the same way
About me
It’s just too much, just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know
Do you ever think
When you’re all alone
All that we can be
Where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
Cause I’m tryin, tryin to walk away
But I know this crush aint goin away, goin away
Has it ever cross you mind
When were hangin, spending time girl,
Are we just friends
Is there more, is there more
See it’s a chance we’ve gotta take
Cause I believe that we can make this into
Something that will last, last forever, forever
Do you ever think
When you’re all alone
All that we can be
Where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
Cause I’m tryin, tryin to walk away
But I know this crush aint goin away, goin away
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized, so mesmerized
And I just got to know
Do you ever think
When you’re all alone
All that we can be
Where this thing can go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you
Are you holding back
Like the way I do
Cause I’m tryin, tryin to walk away
But I know this crush aint goin away, goin away
http://www.imeem.com/ilurrvmusic/music/SfSq9zCx/david_archuleta_crushmp3/
:) So HePi Yet So sAd :(
A really good friend of mine is so fond of calling me “A WALKING CONTRADICTION” - AND i always reverted saying “aint life itself is a dictionary of ironies?” (hehe… Al, just quoting some of the more ’serious’ stuffs we talked ’bout… hohoho
but rite now, i think what she said ’bout me is juz TOO TRUE that it hurts my feeling to know that i’m such a person of ironies until i cant even get my life organised! AAARRRGGHHH!!!
y? y is this so? y am i feeling so hepi that he called and yet being so down that he did? what’s d best remedy for letting go? can anybody help?
but, then, my method of +ve thinking n approach towards life is REALLY working. i’m not too engrossed with the negativeness inside of me - and lil’ by lil’ i’m learning to juz REALLY GROW UP!
AINT GONNA WASTE MY LIFE NO MORE!
GANBATE KUDASAI!
It was one helluva beautiful day indeed! :)
Maybe it was the +ve spirit i promised myself last nite…or maybe it was the soothing aura I was experiencing this morning…or maybe it was simply because i REALLY wanted 2 REALLY LIVE my life - the strong desire to be myself and ENJOY LIFE… Either one or more, it doesnt really matter ‘coz i had one helluva beautiful day today! And it started by having juz a lil’ bit more than plain attitude towards my life - me, myself and I
no, it wasnt really an exciting day … Nor was it exhilarating me in any ways… But it was the thought that I had a better day that made d difference. Never underestimate d power of mind control…
‘coz, u know what, in reality this was one of d MOST BORING day of my entire freaking life BUT somehow the way I approached it really made me realise that IT’S X SO BAD AFTER ALL…
Life is juz like a wheel - it turns round and round, over n over again - and it has its own ups n downs. Yet, sometime or later, it hits a road bump and it soars up. And then, once in a while, it falls into a hole - going down and down and down… But it’s exciting n very inviting to watch it goes through all the bumps and holes - juz as it’s interesting to see ourselves rise up and down through a string of never-ending challenges ;p)
"Sweet memories and bitter ones - what r we without them
luv n hate as thin as ONE entity
- we can never figure out enough -"
"For I am still a sinner (even in this holy month of Ramadhan)
who seeks forgiveness from Allah the Almighty
and can only pray that He forgiveth -
my wrongful deeds
And pray some more
that i’d be the faithful servant to Him
~penuh iman dan taqwa, melaksanakan apa yg disuruh-Nya dan meninggalkan larangan-Nya~
And only LUV fills my heart - eternal luv towards Allah"
n then, secretly wish that i am FREE from him…really wish that he’s no longer part of my thoughts, my deep emotions - no longer be d one i’m quietly missing or silently crying over in my heart :(
I know he’s x d best of men (but my heart keeps telling me that i’m x d best of women either)… and i know him too well inside-out, good-and-bad that i know he’s x d one for me juz as I’m x meant for him. (I guess I also realised that I’m not his typical type)
hmm… I wish a good friend of mine can come here (I mean, literally come here from Kuantan) and tell me "be still, my beating heart, be still"… hhmmm… the great comfort of good company =] How I miss those good old times…
But, ‘coz life’s like this and I will juz take one giant step at a time. Today, it’s another giant step towards HAPPINESS and SUCCESS.
AKU PILIH UTK JADI SEORG PEMENANG - AKU PILIH UTK MENANG!!!
Cinta mungkin dtg dan pergi, tp aku akan terus bangkit dari kekurangan dan kesilapan diri. Bangkit menjadi seorg WIRAWATI demi DIRIKU SENDIRI! (Tp xkan lupa sumer org lain yg aku syg dan menyayangiku ;o] )
I AM MY OWN HERO!
Y am I so diligently writing in this blog? I wonder…
Wow! This is such a personal development! I’ve been writing in this blog for 2 consecutive times already. What a major improvement - I actually find time to write in this online journal (’coz that’s what this is to me - a personal journal online
Even I wonder y the hack am I so diligent in doing this after so long leaving my own personal journal kept so well-hidden and not used so often anymore? And I really wonder where did the determination and persistence come from?
I guess this is what happens when one fell in luv n x able to let the feeling go so easily, but wanting and wishing so hardly to juz move on with one’s life… If this IS d case, then the not-so-welcomed event in my life has indeed turned out for the better for me ;p) …. I AM SO BLESSED if I can actually turn the tables around and make great stuffs come out of this!
But I WILL DO IT, u know. It’s x like I can’t … or maybe it won’t be as easy as I thought it could be… but I believe in God and hope is the one thing that any human beings can afford.
I hope tomorrow brings yet another bright sunshine - secerah sinar mentari di tngh hari - and life will be kind to me. So, put aside ur umbrellas for a beautiful day ahead but always and still keep them near, juz in case it rains… (that way, we’ll be prepared for anything =] )
DAN AKU AKAN TERUS BANGUN SETIAP KALI TERJATUH!!!
==Starting on a new BoOk==
it’s the 1st of Ramadhan today… and i’m wasting my time writing this stuffs when i should really go and masak sahur (or is it really THAt wasteful?)… I wish I went to perform Tarawih just now… But I guess it’s juz another wish at the moment…
i’m x even sure y i’m startin this blog. what i do know is that i really need to get all these unnecessary negative feelings and thoughts out of my mind, heart and soul - out from any nerves inside my body. I want to be and feel reborn - REBORN from chastity and pureness , squeaky clean from any sins… but that is juz impossible rite now, isnt it?
and i also did sth very stupid tonite - i wasted time searching for someone (or rather something!) that i know never existed the way that i’d imagined it in my mind. as if my complicated ways of thinking isnt enough, my heart and emotions are running as wild as an untamed stallion at this very second! how easy it would be if i dont feel the way i’m feeling rite now…if i have more rationale and follow the logic rather than letting my emotions take better control of me (and then i’d be doing sth very useful - like cleaning up my scattered stuffs downstairs - and saves me from Mama’s nagging…DUH!)… HOW I WISH I’D BE THAT EASY!
i’m x sure what exactly it is that i’m feeling rite now, but i’m certain that i dont wanna dwell on it any further. It’s a brand new day today - and I’M STARTING A NEW BOOK on my personal and professional life. i wanna let go of all these ‘unnecessary binding chains’ and JUST MOVE ON WITH MY LIFE… like someone used to say, "Tidakku fikirkan kesedihan semalam kerna keburukan masa silam hanyalah perosak minda berwawasan. Lantas aku teruskan langkah berdiri dan berlari atas kakiku sendiri - lalui sehari demi sehari, menggenggam masa depan yang kian pasti!" GAMBATE!
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