Monday, August 17, 2009

- Stone Forest -





















I never thought it was possible
for such a beauty
could exist
made and built
of a substance so cold
so dead, so stale, so grey, so monotonous,
Yet, there it was
The Stone Forest.

If you have never been to the place
I highly recommend that you do
because I assure you that
it is worth every single second
and every single penny of
your time and money
just to see and indulge
in the co-existence
of the natural and man-made beauty.

The views that Nature
has already exhibited for us
And then there was the sceneries
of which such great care was given
by the humans.

Rocks and stones,
(yes, rocks and stones!)
emerged from the centre of the earth
rised up above the ground, rised in the centre of the waters
statues of strength
symbols of pride and rigidness
--- only one colour : grey ---
such vanity.

Stones
in the middle of green
in the midst of the flowery
breathtaking, spellbinding
words just can't describe
they will not do justice
to what Stone Forest really is.

It was like seeing the dead among the living
- but somehow
it was very calming.

And amongst the stones,
-- this forest of the dead and the living --
I feel my numbness grows
my veins unnerved
and my heart becomes one
with the limestone on the ground.

Feelings and emotions are the colours outside of my soul.

Friday, August 14, 2009

~somewhere over the rainbow~di sebalik pelangi~

siang saat mentari begitu cerah memancar
-terik menyilaukan pandangan

kabut jerebu itu masih mengaburi
- kelabu semua yang di kejauhan

jangan bimbang...
kehangatan hari ini tetap terasa
Kehangatan Cinta Tuhan yang menyelimuti
sejalur demi sejalur cahaya-haba

tapi entah mengapa
hujan semalam juga
yang kurasakan paling indah
titis airnya

Pelangi,
muncullah lagi!

Thursday, August 13, 2009

(FINALLY!) I'm entertaining MY SISTER's TAG... And (HELL YEAH!) I'm tagging her BACK...and Paige...and Gee...and Bul (takde sapa bleh t'lps!)

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 100 Truths about you. At the end, choose 25 people [I don't think I have THAT many friends to torture] to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you [PADAN MUKA KAMU KOCIK! SILA BUAT INI SEKALI LAGI! AND, NO(!), U CAN'T TAG ME AGAIN! MY RULE!].

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Nescafe 'o Ais
2. Last phone call [received]: Mama
3. Last text message [received]: My boss (uwek!)
4. Last song you listened to: CA's "Genie in a bottle"
5. Last time you cried: I don't think I ever stopped crying (silently OR loudly)

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: Never dated no one even once (TIPU GILLER! ahaks! ^_^)
7. Been cheated on [by special boyfriend?]: Never had any special boyfriend
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Nope, don't think so... at least not yet
9. Lost someone special: yes... and it hurts! =(
10. Been depressed: What do you think "deep-rested" is?! it's a combination of "i'm always so depressed and i need rest all the time"... get it?!
11. Been drunk and threw up: been dizzy and threw up doesn't count? ^_^

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. ungu susu (milky purple OR lilac ^_^ )
13. other shades of purple
14. colourful......!!!!! pink, green, blue, black, white, red, dark chocolate.... etc.... no limitations!

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: lotsa lots of them!
16. Fallen in of love: Nothing concrete
17. Laughed until you cried: I think I did most of the opposite
18. Met someone who changed you: "people" don't change you, they just "influence" your change
19. Found out who your true friends were: never-ending process
20. Found out someone was talking about you: I don't think it matters anymore
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: no.

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: "real"? by whose definition?
23. How many kids do you want?: 4-6 good ones (^_^)
24. Do you have any pets: r u kidding? I even wanna throw my sister's out!
25. Do you want to change your name: no changing what-so-ever... just "adding" maybe
26. What did you do for your last birthday: sleep
27. What time did you wake up today: 0530 (whoa! that's early... i mean, for my standard)
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: TV
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: sleep
30. Last time you saw your Mother: today 0730 (well, i do live with my mom)
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: None to change about my LIFE, but myself - yes - nak jadi lebih istiqamah dalam mengerjakan ibadah untuk & kerana Allah
32. What are you listening to right now : kipas komputer (with a dash of construction site's sound in the dimmed background)
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: tom and jerry kids?
35. Most visited webpage: HAHA! my own blog *sheepish smile*
36. Whats your real name: don't intend to tell, i'm anonymous, remember?
37. Nicknames: kakak?
38. Relationship Status: in a lot of relationships....
39. Zodiac sign: gemini
40. Male or female?: LADY
41. Primary School?: SKS 1
42. Secondary School?: SMAPK
43. High school/college?: KMPP
44. Hair colour: dark brownish-black with hints of redness from inai ^_^
45. Long or short: what is?
46. Height: Average
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Trying very hard NOT to, not anymore
48: What do you like about yourself?: my mind, heart and soul
49. Piercings: ears..asrama-made ^_^
50. Tattoos: on my heart?
51. Righty or lefty: middle-ly?

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: when i was born (HAHAHA! kira ker nie?)
53. First piercing: masa bayi2 dulu lah kot
54. First best friend: my family
55. First sport you joined: can't remember 'coz i rarely join sport
56. First vacation: childhood - the only time I felt rested
58. First pair of trainers: tak paham "trainers"

59. Eating: baru lepas makan nasi beriani LHDN - sedap!
60. Drinking: Nescafe 'o ais x abis lagi
61. I'm about to: continue work
62. Listening to: kipas komputer dan sayup2 bunyi kereta lalu-lalang
63. Waiting on: bed time and vacation on "alone-time" in Langkawi

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: eh, kan dah jawab soalan ni td?
65. Get Married?: well, in Islam, you can't have own children without getting married first.
66. Career?: successful entreprenuer-cum-freelance writer-cum-social activist

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: None - no favours on this one, but I guess I do like to look at people's eyes... "dari mata turun ke hati"
68. Hugs or kisses: tak tau nak kata, sbb x penah b'cium lagi
69. Shorter or taller: x kisah kot...
70. Older or Younger: balanced, well - balanced
71. Romantic or spontaneous: both - but in moderation
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: seriously? physicals can change drastically. I prefer to look at personality a.k.a. "soul"
73. Sensitive or loud: combination of both based on occasion
74. Hook-up or relationship: depends on the purpose / objective / mission
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: NONE. I HAVE ENOUGH OF THOSE MYSELF.

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: soalan ini terlalu kabur....
77. Drank hard liquor: Na'uzubillahiminzalik
78. Lost glasses/contacts: camana nak ilang kalo tak penah ada? oh, except sunglasses murah
79. Sex on first date: Na'uzubillahiminzalik ... (plus I think THAT would be stupid - senang2 jer serah diri masing2? MURAHNYA!)
80. Broken someone's heart: I'm a heartbreaker - family, frens, etc, u name it - 'coz my heart gets broken all the time too... so why not return the favour, kan?
82. Been arrested: yup, by my own folly
83. Turned someone down: sometimes - it's always like that in life right now
84. Cried when someone died: if that person is close enough to me
85. Fallen for a friend?: lotsa times - t'jerat dgn perasaan sendiri

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: InsyaAllah
87. Miracles: ALLAH lebih MAHA MENGETAHUI
88. Love at first sight: Unfortunately, I do - I think chemistry must work most of the times - BUT I also KNOW and believe that LOVE NEEDS HARD WORK to maintain
89. Heaven: SAYA PERCAYA KEPADA SEMUA PERKARA DALAM RUKUN IMAN
90. Santa Claus: literally? come on lah....
91. Kiss on the first date: kalo dah kawin, apa salahnya ^_^
92. Angels: SAYA PERCAYA KEPADA SEMUA PERKARA DALAM RUKUN IMAN

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 [special] girlfriend/boyfriend at a time?: NEVER had even one.
95. Did you sing today?: sikit2 adalah...
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: as in "curang"? tak tau nak kata...
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go? : kalo boleh jumpa Rasulullah, ok gak... kalo tak, the present is enough
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: I don't want "1 day", I just need ONE MOMENT - masa night walk kat bomba, as i was lying on the tar road and gazing at the millions of stars in the dark skies - remembering everything that's most important to me, sambil bersyukur kepada Allah dgn nikmat Dia esp. bila aku berjaya buat kembara hutan bomba tue (dahlah bawa hos bomba yg berat tue, tapi antara terawal yg sampai kat khemah) ... the meaningful satisfaction of achievements and accomplishments...
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: NOW? I think I am, sbb aftermath dier.... serik rasanya... Tapi kalo berkasih-sayang, saya tak takut langsung
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: apa punya soalan daaa????!!!!!

[entah apa2 aku jawab... nasib lah...]

Friday, August 7, 2009

I hate that I "love" you (should have been "loved" but why am I still stuck on you?!)

I wonder why I keep remembering him. Now, it's worse than ever. When I assess myself objectively on the matter, I seriously believe and am convinced that I no longer have any romantic feelings for him (well, he was never my special boyfriend).

And it makes me sick to see myself being as pathetic as I am currently. It should have been over - it was just a silly crush. Yet, I suffer today like I'm still trying to hang on to this deeply false emotions. I still peek on him and his car occasionally from time to time. I'm so SICK, aren't I? mentally-ill....

The truth is... he's such a jerk... well, maybe not literally because he is not a bad person in actual reality. He is just plainly human - a normal, average human being. And I know that I bore the people around me when I constantly talk about him and my unearthly feelings.

Trust me, I bore my own self sometimes as I know that I am being such a pathetic loser by doing this to myself. I don't deserve to treat myself this way. But, why can't I stop? Why can't I move on? Why must I drag this burden around?

It feels so empty - I FEEL EMPTY.

Allah.... Allah, please lend me strength and wisdom to be able to stand up again from this defeat. Please grant me your blessings so that I may only love You and only You alone. Though I am but an ordinary, flawed creature of weaknesses, I find that only Love fills my heart - and nothing else. Yet, somehow, this Love not only delights me, It burdens and pains me with such great vigour that I shake with terror and fear of its abscence should It decide to vanish into thin air one day.

Monolog Orang Gila I (eh, betul ker gila? ... tapi, kalau ikutkan sekarang nie, sapa ajer manusia yang tak gila?)

[sedang aku pening kepala memikirkan keja yg x siap2, aku telah mengambil sehelai kertas dan menulis seperti di bawah sebelum aku koyak dan renyuk lumat2 kertas tersebut lalu buang ke tong sampah...]

Mengapa masih merasa sebegini terasing, kerdil dan hina?

Mengapa masih merasa rendah diri tentang penampilan fizikal sendiri?

Bersyukurlah
atas
nikmat
yang telah Allah kurniakan...

Bersyukurlah kerana engkau masih
punya kehidupan
- terima kasih -
itu satu ucapan yang perlu dizahirkan melalui tindakan.

Daya nak kurus?
Tak nak kurus sangat. Tapi, kecil sikitlah drp skrg.
Habis tue, kenapa tak usaha sungguh2?
Entahlah... rasa nak sgt kembali slim mcm masa sek. men. dulu.
Usahalah! Senaman, kawal makan, banyakkan makan buah dan sayur, banyakkan minum air masak, etc... pastu, rajin2kanlah diri buat keja2 opis & umah byk2 sket, cepat2 sket...
Memanglah nak buat semua tue... tapi... entahlah... vitamin M- byk sgt dlm badan...
Jangan putus asa! Usaha lg! Lawan perasaan2 negatif tue! Igtlah... usaha tangga kejayaan.
Best, kan, kalau badan slim mcm Ju, Nani, Pn. Su, etc... Sumer baju pun longgar je bila pakai...
Memang best! Sbb tue, kau kena usaha lebih! Yg penting, jaga kesihatan. Kecantikan tue perkara kedua.
Betul tue, aku mesti tekad, nekad, berazam tinggi & action everythg out! Bertindak spt yg sepatutnya!!!
Setuju! Sentiasa lah juga tunaikan solat, puasa, zakat, etc sebagaimana yg patut!!! Allahu Akbar!!!

[dan sesi monolog kali ini terhenti di situ sahaja memandangkan aku dah lapar dan nk pegi lunch ^_^ (dan, oh, terlupa plak yang kertas aku dh abis...) heheheh...]

*Disclaimer: Sila jgn ikut perangai di atas kerana organisasi anda membayar anda untuk membuat keja2 yg sepatutnya, dan bukan membuat perkara2 tak semenggah seperti menulis blog post peribadi semasa waktu keja.*

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

"Mengalah Bukan Bermakna Kalah"...

merupakan kata-kata Mama saat kami mengadu tentang kehidupan kami yang pathetic ini. Dia selalu mengucapkan kata-kata hikmah ini kepada kami setiap masa, tak kiralah apa keadaan atau situasi yang kami ceritakan - macam-lah kata-kata tue boleh mengubat sakit hati atau kesusahan kami pada masa itu. Duh!



Tapi, kami faham apa yang Mama ingin maksudkan - menundukkan ego diri sendiri untuk memberikan laluan kepada orang lain bukanlah satu tanda kelemahan atau kekalahan, because life is not always about winning or losing. Sebaliknya, Mama selalu nasihat yang "mengalah" tu sebenarnya satu bentuk kekuatan - kemenangan jiwa dan iman terhadap keangkuhan dan riak takabbur...



And because of these magic words, I am going to apologise to my 'younger' brother for being rude the other day. Though I believe I had the most solid reasons for hanging up the phone when he started barking (literally!) on the phone for a mistake that is not entirely my fault, I will quit my ego and give my pride up in exchange for a peace of mind. Well, who can stand doing something so stupid like what I did when the mother's "magic advice" keeps ringing in my head...? Huh? One can try, but I can't stand being wrong too long (even if I seriously believe that I'm on the right side here).



Wish me luck! And, oh, hopefully I don't forget this pledge. ^_^

Death - kerna mati itu benar...

Death has never promised any remorse, failure, success, healing or anything at all. Death never even promised hope or / and a piece of happiness amidst the abundance of sadness. Death is true, it's REAL - but the life before, after and in between seem so dreamy-like and not real. It seems like the times when you go out and play, and your parent calls you back home when it's dark outside and the sun has already set... you did not notice anything that you did before or after the calling - you just simply remember the voices most.

Ya, kematian tidak pernah menjanjikan apa-apa. Ia tidak pernah menjanjikan penyesalan atau rawatan atau kebijaksanaan atau hikmah atau kenyataan mahupun balasan. Siapa kata kematian itu boleh menebus kebodohan hati manusia yang melakukan dosa? Sesungguhnya kata-kata itu sememangnya cuma bait-bait patah perkataan yang tidak berlandaskan kebenaran dunia yang realiti. Apa yang nyata, satu kematian yang kau hadapi tak akan menjanjikan apa-apa perubahan kepada kau ... melainkan dalam iman-mu yang tinggal sekelumit zarah itu memang sudah ada keinginan untuk melaksanakan kelainan dan mencari jalan ke arah kejayaan, kebaikan dan kecemerlangan.

Kematian tidak menghasilkan idea atau buah fikiran, tidak pula melahirkan tindakan. Manusia yang menetapkan jalan yang ingin ditempuh - sama ada kematian yang tenang atau penyeksaan yang berpanjangan selepas jasad berpisah daripada sekujur tubuh yang lemah. Semuanya berkait rapat dengan PILIHAN.

Aku dulu pernah mempunyai satu tanggapan klise yang sangat melucukan - aku pernah percaya bahawa kematian boleh mengubah kehidupan seseorang, atau lebih tepat lagi 'PERANGAI' dan sifat serta sikap insan. Hakikatnya, apa yang sudah menjadi tabiat bukan mudah untuk di-set semula - tidak ada butang atau punat untuk ditekan dan mengembalikan kain penuh warna-warni itu kepada 'default' putih yang bersih, suci dan murni supaya mampu dicorakkan semula. Naif betul pemikiran!

Sebenarnya, kematian ayahku telah banyak mempengaruhi perjalanan hidup kami sekeluarga kini. (PENGARUH dan bukan ubah.) Tapi, masalah yang memeningkan kepala Papa dan Mama dulu masih lagi menyusahkan Mama sekarang (kalau tidak menambahkan serabut di kepala). Cabaran baru yang dihadapi saat ini pernah juga memunculkan bayangan diri mereka pada waktu dahulu. Dunia pasca sebuah kematian bukanlah terlalu berbeza daripada kehidupan yang belum pernah menemukan kematian dalam catatan dunianya.

Mungkin cuma aku yang terlalu mengharapkan perbezaan. Sakit kan, bila kita punya harapan....???

Nampak gayanya kepulangan ke pangkuan Yang Maha Esa pasti mencetuskan sedikit riuh-rendah, tapi bingit itu pasti-kan reda bila sampai masanya... and then the reality hits...

- the point of no return -