Ain't Life tiring?

Sometimes, life just bores me... It tires me in ways that I never thought were possible, but somehow I was trapped in them.

Do I still need an invitation to Life? Should I even ask to be invited? Humph... I guess that we just need to let it be.

But then again, invited or not, you find yourself entangled in the webs of Life's confusing, tiring and boring ways - and there is no other way out but to outlive the situation itself.

GOOD LUCK!

May the force of self-determination and persistance be with you!

...

And the children look up to me and say ---

"Adults are weird people. Why do they hate each other just because they look dissimilar?

Aren't all people only humans?

Why can't we play with each other as we please?"

I closed my eyes and stayed quiet.

[Silence] becomes a remedy to heal all wounds.

"Mengapa masih di takuk lama?"

Satu soalan yang senantiasa bermain-main di kotak fikiranku - berlegar-legar mencari suatu jalan penyelesaian yang belum tentu dapat aku temukan di benak minda sempitku itu.

Sesungguhnya, aku sebenarnya masih sangat beruntung kerana mempunyai satu "takuk" rujukan - titik penanda kehidupan yang secara halus dan tersirat menyatakan bahawa aku telah pernah melalui beberapa "takuk" dan tidak sangkut di satu tahap sahaja. Secara tersurat, peringkat demi peringkat kehidupan pernah aku alami sebagai simbol perkembangan seorang makhluk bernama insan. Bagaimana jika seseorang itu tidak punya walau satu "takuk" pun untuk dia imbas dan renungkan kembali - untuk dia memandang seterusnya ke hadapan demi kemajuan? Oh, aku tidak dapat bayangkan! Kehidupan mendatar masih menunjukkan satu pola, tetapi kehidupan tanpa sebarang corak atau petunjuk masa dan nilai? Bagaikan tidak pernah wujud.... there's definitely no meaning in THAT!

Mungkin akan ada teman-teman yang kurang bersetuju dengan pernyataanku ini. Iyalah.... dulu aku tak punya kerja tetap, tapi Alhamdulillah, sekarang ini Allah sangat pemurah denganku. Inilah yang dipanggil rezeki. Tidak lama dulu, aku masih budak-budak hingusan - masih bergelumang dengan tugasan yang tak berkesudahan, ujian demi peperiksaan, perselisihan faham trivial antara rakan-rakan.... dan lain-lain....

Tetapi sekarang, aku sudah dikira dewasa (malahan sudah tua sebenarnya - sudah banyak umur!) - kepala otak berserabut pula dengan kerja, kerja, kerja, tak habis-habis kerja.... laporan penilaian tahunan... politik pejabat yang menyusahkan.... dan macam-macam lagi...

Berbeza bukan masa-masa dulu dengan kini? Hmm...

Tetapi, mengapa aku masih merasakan bahawa aku masih di takuk lama?

Hakikatnya, pemikiran cetek-ku masih belum cukup berkembang. Dunia-ku kini tidak melahirkan ekspresi diri yang mampu aku kecapi semasa aku masih naif dahulu. Perasaan....ah... perasaan yang tak sudah-sudah menimpa jiwa sedangkan perkara dan peristiwa telah lama berlalu. Hidup dalam nostalgia, terikat dan terbelenggu oleh rantaian obligasi yang aku ciptakan sendiri. Aku mungkin cukup materi, tapi rasa sangat miskin mental emosi dan spiritual hati.

The fact is that I've been blogging for more than one whole year now (beginning in friendster blog and moving on to this blog now). I've written more than what I originally expected to. I've grown actually - in a very small and unimportant way, but I have been more matured now.

Yet, somehow, I still want to talk about the same thing that I talked about a year ago. As if this self-therapy has not helped much.... It has provided an adequate aid - a great means for me to start expressing myself again, with truest honesty. But Honesty is not a Luxury that I can afford in these dire times, in this reality. I wonder why...

You see, this Ramadhan has reminded me of my own original reasons for writing. And it hurts to remember that I am such a weak being who is so tied up with her feelings when the only thing that I really need to do is let go. But letting go and moving on is much harder to do than to just commit yourself to it, believing that time will heal all wounds.

Actually, I've been meaning to write this post on the first of Ramadhan because I can still remember how it felt like one year ago - to have loved someone and strived to get over the emotions, and not being able to release those negative vibes without hurting the people around me (hence the blogging). But it seems like this roller-coaster ride of mine is not stopping for no one, not even myself... and each day is the day that I keep repeating every routine over and over again - just like an unfeeling robot, mechanical and numb.

I'm not complaining that I'm still at the same stage of my life now as I was previously. I just don't understand why it must involve an opposite gender in the process.

It's very funny, really, because I used to feel even deeper for another person before and yet I fell in love with another one after him. Maybe I'll forget all about this person now and fall in love again in future. Who knows, it might even end in marriage? HAHAHAHAHA! We wish! We wish! ^_^

But life is not all about the so-called "romantic love" only. I will strive to be better in future - a more solehah muslimah and mu'minah, a more excellent servant of Allah...

Even when I can't carry the burden I'm wallowing right now, not anymore, I will still search for the greater purposes of Life. Only then, I believe I can find the Meaning I've been seeking for my whole entire life.