Try...

as hard as you can...
as diligently as you can...
as full-of-efforts as you can...

BUT

at the end of the day,

only ONE question matters:
only ONE indicator prevails:
only ONE final-moment-of-truth remains:

---what were the results?

(and the process is forgotten, the journey faded,
for people only see the end, the destination landed
because
vitality lies wherein something is achieved or lost
-the ultimate milestone to measure
if your try had been worthwhile
or really just some piece of worthless treasure-

and I become one
amongst those who defy
this tradition
for I believe
that
the ongoing process is no less valuable than the end-result
and the journey taken is as priceless as the destination arrived

I go against the flow
and stand tall with my faith unshaken
and hope that I am not mistaken
-pray-
that my pain has not been
totally in vain.

so, wonder no more on my stories
you will only hear what you wish to hear, and trust what your heart has been taught to trust

thus,
i will not ask you to listen.

let me be
by
my way.)

C-c-c-cOOL

Ko nie memang peliklah, manusia!

You act so indifferent towards him and yet you say you suffer because of him. You are such an indecisive and selfish bitch!

How could you say all those things that you did, after all that happened (and not), and then just pretend like it's none of your business and turn your face away? It's very cruel of you.

Nampak gayanya begitulah... I am myself quite surprised by my own responses (or even reactions) when I bump into him once in a while. It's as if I never ever had any kinds of feelings for him, as if I never fell hard in love... as if we were ONLY friends (to me and in my mind too)...

Maybe that's just my way of dealing with things - my emotions and all, my unique way of handling myself. It is a delicate situation for me, so the best way to protect me from getting hurt again is to act as if nothing ever happened.

And it works.

I don't know for how long but I'm okay with this arrangement for now.

Let Allah reveal further or otherwise.....

Honestly, I don't really care anymore.

I DON'T WANT TO CARE.

I'm cool.

I'm just cool with it.

Even if I search diligently for him when he's not around...

Even if I treat him apathetically when ever I see him.

Even if I always contradict myself in thoughts, emotions and actions when he's around (or not!).

Seriously?

I'm cool.

So, You Want to be A Writer, Charles Bukowski

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

[thank you, Paige, for posting this for me on December 4, 2009 8:30 AM... i really needed (and will always need) this to remind of myself the beauty of writing... Insya-Allah, i'll work very hard (and very relaxedly) to write honestly and just be myself... AKU SUKA SANGAT PUISI NIE!!!! KALAU kau ada sebarang permintaan khas, cakaplah... aku akan cuba tunaikan mengikut kemampuan... it's just MY way of saying THANKS.]

Happy

How do you measure your happiness?

I guess I can never say I know how to measure mine - I thought I knew... and it was so clear before....

But now....?

Happiness is not as clear-cut as it once seemed.

Perhaps it never was. But somehow, only pain can teach you this.

It's when you have been hurt the most, then only you can ever know how or even what it really feels like.

And yes, it sucks.



Happy - Leona Lewis

(from the 2009 album "Echo")

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything

Don't you take chances
You might feel the pain (more...)
Don't you love in vain
'cause love won't set you free

I can't stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what it I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge,
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I'm just trying to be happy
I just wanna be happy, yeah

Holding on tightly
just can't let go
just trying to play my role
slowly disappear

But all these days
They feel like they're the same
Just different faces
different place
Get me out of here

I can't stand by the side
Ooh, no
And watch this life pass me by
Pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if i break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
my feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
don't care about all the pain in front of me
I'm just trying to be happy

Oh, happy
Oh

So any turns that I cant see
I'll count a stranger on this road
But dont say victim
Don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge?
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy
Happy
I just wanna be
Oh
I just wanna be
Happy (less)