aku pernah menginginkan cinta... aku pernah mengidamkan kasih... aku pernah mendambakan sayang... dalam hidupku.
aku pernah cuba mencari.... aku pernah cuba mengejari... aku pernah cuba mencipta sendiri... saat-saat manis itu dalam kotak mindaku yang sempit ini.
Pernah juga dulu, aku membayangkan bahawa aku pasti akan berjaya dalam misi ku itu... Tapi itu sesungguhnya hanyalah angan-angan barangkali...
KINI
biarkan saja aku sendirian kerana aku tak perlu lagi tak butuh lagi apa yang pernah aku kehendaki
cukuplah sekadar Allah menjadi pelindungku tempat ku sandarkan harapan tempat ku naungkan perasaan tempat ku curahkan kepasrahan agar mungkin dapat kusentuhi lambat-laun nanti redha-Nya Ilahi.
I was listening to this song by Taylor Swift this morning, and I suddenly thought of my own "15th" year in Life....
I thought.... and thought... and thought harder....
But somehow, I just couldn't remember what it was like when I was fifteen.
And now, I don't know what really matters anymore....
Taylor Swift - Fifteen You take a deep breath and you walk through the doors It's the morning of your very first day And you say hi to your friends you ain't seen in a while Try and stay out of everybody's way
It's your freshman year and you're gonna be here For the next four years in this town Hoping one of those senior boys will wink at you and say "You know, I haven't seen you around before"
'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you You're gonna believe them And when you're fifteen feeling like there's nothing to figure out Well, count to ten, take it in This is life before you know who you're gonna be Fifteen
You sit in class next to a redhead named Abigail And soon enough you're best friends Laughing at the other girls who think they're so cool We'll be outta here as soon as we can
And then you're on your very first date and he's got a car And you're feeling like flying And you're momma's waiting up and you're thinking he's the one And you're dancing 'round your room when the night ends When the night ends
'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you You're gonna believe them When you're fifteen and your first kiss Makes your head spin 'round But in your life you'll do things greater than Dating the boy on the football team But I didn't know it at fifteen
When all you wanted was to be wanted Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now
Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday But I realized some bigger dreams of mine And Abigail gave everything she had to a boy Who changed his mind and we both cried
'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you You're gonna believe them And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall I've found time can heal most anything And you just might find who you're supposed to be I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen
Your very first day Take a deep breath girl Take a deep breath as you walk through the doors
I never thought much of the "driving school" experiences before. My personal resort was not to think too much of them because that was what my driving instructor told me - "you need to focus on the actual driving, the action itself instead of wondering too much on the risks and thinking what's the best course of actions to be done in a certain situation or emergency". (Besides the fact that I seriously did not think too much of it now. Back then, perhaps, but not now.)
"You don't calculate your steps too meticulously on this - just relax, practise and focus on driving, not focusing on thinking of how best to drive".
Those were some of the lessons that she gave. She was a beautiful lady - not delicate, yet so womanly and feminine. And, my oh my, was she so patient! She endured my stupidity and slowness in driving with as much patience a normal human being can handle, although there were some rough moments.
Well, who can blame her... At least she didn't give up on me when I really felt like quitting. And she did not let me give up on myself too. Despite the urge to just stop and accept the fact that I was too slow on learning how to drive a freakin' car, I stayed on and took extra classes.
Funny to think of all these now, given the fact that I used to hate going to driving classes. I guess the need to own a driving license at that time was so strong that I just had to go on until I succeeded. And the sweet taste of success was so worth the pain.
Some of the things that she told during our lessons are always stuck in my head. Like the one I mentioned earlier, about not thinking too much of how to live but just focus on living it. Oh, well, maybe she did not use the exact word "live" and only meant to say "drive", but the equivalence of those two verbs is so stunningly close and alike, I always remember the symbolism of Life in her words.
There was another one that I can never forget. Never.
You see, in the beginning (and perhaps occasionally up until now ^_^ ),I always had problems adjusting my safe distance and maintaining my car's directions. It would almost always go into the other lane especially when I made a turn. I could not anticipate how much to turn / steer the wheel appropriately with the flow of the roads. This was my biggest issue at the time - it cost me tears at the end of one or two (or maybe more) lessons. I almost gave up driving entirely because of this.
My driving instructor would always remind me to look much farther ahead on the road so that I would turn / steer the wheel according to the farthest point of the road that I could see. She would always scold me diligently when ever I broke this rule of hers - "Awak kena tengok jauh lagi, fokus pada hujung jalan, bukan lubang depan mata awak ni!".
"Look farther, focus at the end of the road way ahead in front of you, and not the hole right in front of this car!"
I did not comprehend at first. I could not understand why I could not just focus on the nearest point of view instead of straining my eyes to get a better vision of the end of the road. It was quite ridiculous too, at first. Wouldn't the car turn too early if I did that? Wouldn't the car enter an exit too soon if I did that?
But as time passes by, I realised how true her statement was. And it took me much longer than my driving lessons to enable me to see her implicit, underlying reasonings.
It was like planning for your future, it was like preparing for one. It was like living Life. You have to just "live" it, but you also have to prepare for what's coming - to prepare for your future, you have to look so much farther ahead than the present.
In driving, looking farther ahead the course and focusing on the end of the road means that you prepare for any possible threats or likely accidents much earlier than the actual thing happened - you also steer better.
In Life, you look farther ahead to plan for your future and determine your ultimate goals, your final destination - executing your plans better when you have already "seen" the almost-invisible risks lying ahead.
And now, every time I drive on the road, her words keep ringing in my ears.
Don't limit your vision to things near you and right under your nose.
Instead, always look farther than your eyes can, and you will see that there's so much more to Life than the temporary thrills you are living on today.
Widen your gaze in the horizons and you will never know where it would lead you.
I don't know why but ever since I had to decide on one favourite colour, it has always been purple. (And decision was tough because I happen to like all colours.)
Perhaps it is because of the sense of mystery and enchantment that it portrays - or may be even due to the fact that it is a mixture of the soothing calm blue and vivacious brave red - such strong symbolism of assimilation.
Or may be it is simply because I just love feeling like the royal purple.
Well, royalty or not, this has been the only colour that I can associate myself with - irregardless of the fact that I love variety and the colourful life it brings. Yes, just as is my other parts of life, my obsession has always been the combination of different colours in my favour.
And yet, purple always has a soft spot in my heart.
People say favourites illustrate the inner you. I wonder if this is ever true....
Alicia Keys - Try Sleeping With a Broken Heart
Even if you were a million miles away I could still feel you in my bed Near me, touch me, feel me And even at the bottom of the sea I could still hear inside my head Tellin' me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were tellin' me lies
So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart? Well, you could try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, on me nobody ever shut (?) it down like you You want a crown You made my body feel heaven bound Why don't you hold me Near me, I thought you told me You'd never leave me
Looking in the sky I could see your face And I know right where I fit in Take me, make me, you know that I'll always be in love With you Right til the end OOh
So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
Anybody could've told you right from the start It's bound (?) to fall apart So rather than hold on to a broken dream We'll just hold on to love
And I could find a way to make it Don't hold on too tight I'll make it without you tonight
So tonight, I'm gonna find a way to make it without you Tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you I'm gonna hold on to the times we had tonight I'm gonna find a way to make it without you
