in the eyes of man

i was very surprised to see him yesterday. Not that i was too surprised - he did live quite nearby the area - but there was still the element of shock when i saw him with his girlfriend yesterday.

i was having one of the best times with my mom and sisters (my brother could not come because he would have a meeting later that evening).... we were queuing up to buy tickets to the movie, and there he was - standing behind my sisters and i... i did not notice him at first - my sister pointed him out to me.

i can't really say or even tell how i felt at that moment. i mean, my actual feelings... part of me was excited (i rarely bumped into someone i know), and part of me wished that i never knew he was there.

and somehow, in midst of the mixed feelings, there was a sadness, bitter emotion as if i was hurt deeply by something. as if i could still be hurt by him...

but there was also joy - humph! - a relief to know that i can safely say i have won, in a way.... heheheh.... bad girlie.... she thinks she's prettier than the guy's girlfriend... (or at least in my mind, i was ^_^ )

i guess i'm still trying so hard to get over my feelings, my 'crush' for him.... oh, why can't i just live with the fact that he's a jerk? why must i still hang on to these 'uncertain', fleeting emotions?

i don't want to cry anymore - at least not because of him... but Allah, the Almighty.... i'm so confused... i know he's no good for me, but ...

the hollowness inside my heart keeps reminding me of the hole he left when he 'went' away...

until today, i still remember all those 'memories' - sweet nostalgia - that stung my soul to numbness. such pain, such coldness, such ..... love....

and he was not even my boyfriend.